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photo credit: h.koppdelaney

One of the themes that repeatedly comes up in my life these days, or more honestly, these years is the concept of giving my power away.  Instead of focussing on my intentions, I allow my attention to be pulled away by all the excuses reasons why I can’t succeed.  Now these reasons seem perfectly logical to me; as your reasons for not goingafter what you want are to you.

Typically, there are several places where most people tend to give their power away.

Relationships

For example, let’s say you are looking to find the love of your life.  However, you have certain prerequisites you feel you must do before true love can be yours.  You might decide that you need to lose ten pounds so that you are attractive enough to deserve your beloved’s love.  Or you may decide that you absolutely must have a certain amount of money in the bank so that you’re worthy of receiving love.

These reasons, these prerequisites, are not written in stone anywhere on plant earth.  And yet we all like to pretend that they are.  Take a look around at your reality, and you will see heavy-set people who are happily married or in a relationship.  Look some more and you will see that there are people who don’t have x amount of dollars in the bank who have loving relationships.

What’s the real reason for the prerequisite (which are actually just excuses not to act)?

Fear.  Our old frenemy.

What are we all waiting for?

We are waiting for the day when we have a surplus of courage, time, and the appropriate circumstances to move forward.  In short, we are waiting for the stars to align and the Universe itsself to ordain our dreams, visions, and goals as worthy.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Because we sometimes labour under the delusion that our dreams, visions, and goals are small and silly in comparison to the problems the world is facing.  But here is the caveat:  the world is always facing problems! It had problems in the past, does so now, and will continue to do so in the future.  If we are waiting for the moment when the world is calm and peaceful to go after what we want, then we will be waiting a long time.  And I, quite frankly, do not intend to wait that long!

Guess what?

The world’s problems are not your fault. And will not change just because you, or me, or the guy in the purple socks who stands on the corner talking to pidgeons, decides not to opt-in for happiness in this moment.  Now I’m not advocating blantant sybaritism (people who party like it’s the end of the world without considering the consequences), or consumerism.  I am advocating happiness right now.

How many of us could use some more happiness?

Work/Career

How many of us choose to stay in jobs or careers that we either hate or are bored of? We do it because our logic tells us that we need this job to make money, pay our bills, and buy things we really want.  I’m not against jobs per se.  What I am not for is taking a job that makes you sick and/or tired.  Literally.  And I’m especially not for doing it until I retire (and then after that, I have to eat cat food and peanut butter whilest cradling any feelings of regret about the chances and choices I could have made in the direction of my dreams.)

Not worth it.  Life is a grand adventure.  Every moment is an opportunity to make a wise choice in favour of our vision.

Social Life

Let’s say for example that you desire an active social life in which you go out at least twice a week (or eight times per month).  Instead of flowing your energy in this direction, you choose to cling to old, disempowering relationships with people whom you’ve been mates with for years.  You have not been close to these people in years yet you feel the need to hang about with these people, making conversation about subjects and issues that bore you practically to death (figuratively speaking).

Whilst it’s not easy to step out into new territory or be alone for a period of time; sometimes we forget that it’s not kind to pretend that we are more emotionally invested in a relationship than we really are.  And it’s uncomfortable to meet new people or be alone; so much so that most people will go to great lengths to avoid either circumstance.

Remember that as human we are all entitled to experience happiness in whatever ways allow us to be our best selves.  The good of all is best served by everyone creating the selves and the lives that bring out our best selves/spirits.

Is this easy?  No, it’s not.  But the effort made is ultimately worth it.

So, to here are some ways to help you take your power back.

6 Ways to Take Your Power Back

1. Stop making excuses. It’s your life.  You make the rules, set the curriculum, and make the decisions.  If you have a job that is unfulfilling, it’s because you have made the choice to be in such a job.  Now you can make a different choice and leave.  Now.
2. Be more mindful of your thoughts. What are you telling yourself?  Most of us have stories we have been telling ourselves since childhood.  Most of these stories are fear-based stories that put us in the uncomfortable position of helpless victim of fate to whom life happens.  Time to change the channel, and get a new story where you are the resourceful hero in charge of your own destiny.  Pay attention to what you think.  Don’t judge it or criticise it.  Just notice what your mind is doing, and you will have a good representation of the building blocks you are using to create your world.
3. Shift your consciousness. It’s time to claim the power that is rightfully yours.  The power to decide how you life is going to look, and how you are going to feel about it.  Only you can shift your perspective enough to cause a shift in your perceptions.  Let me introduce your mind to this thought:  It’s okay for you to choose your happiness whilst others are unhappy. Let them live their lives, and you live yours.  Besides, there is nothing you can do about the happiness of others anyway so why even put your energy there.
   
4. Spend time with empowering people. Just because someone shares a bloodline or oxygen supply with you doesn’t entitle them to rip you to shreds emotionally and verbally.  You want to be around like-minded people instead of giving your energy to disempowering relationships.    Release the need to win the approval and permission of others to live your best life and be your best self.  They might not ever give you either, and life is dark, joyless, and painful without passion and joy in life.  Underline this in your mind:  you might have to let go of those who aren’t interested in being supportive. Doesn’t mean you or they are bad people.  You’ve just grown apart is all.
   
5. Feed your energy into your desires. If you want to start your own business, go network with other business owners.  Read books and blogs on enterpreneurships/isms.  Find a role model and/or mentor who has done what you intend to do, and get tips on how to succeed.  This is just one example, but the same ideas still apply if you chose to be a writer, actress, or musician.
   
6. Work through your resistance (s). Resistance can take many forms.  It can come in the form of your friends, family, and colleagues at work calling you crazy when you tell them of your visionline (yep, just made up a word) to move to a small beach town in Mexico and start your own adventure company.  Or they giggle behind their hands and roll their eyes when you confide to them that you are seriously considering leaving your decent job with the good benefits to go on the road with your acoustic guitar as a full-time touring musician.   So what?  You don’t need anyone’s permission to be who you are.  Or to want what you want.  Just take small steps each day (nothing too overwhelming) in the direction of your self-ordained destiny.  Let the rest of the world catch up with you if it wants to.

After all, it’s easier to beg for forgiveness later than it is to painfully ask for permission now.  As I’ve stated already, no one can give you permission.  No matter now much they may believe, hope, or wish that they have the power to do so.

Now I give the spotlight back to you.  In which area of your life are you most likely to give your power/energy away to an excuse and/or person.  Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Peace, fellow travelers!

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photo credit: josephpetepickle

I was reading a really cool blog by an odd fellow based in the U.K.   The writer of the blog is called Johnny.  Of course, now that I want to read his blog, I can’t bloody remember the name of it.

But, alas, I digress…

The point of the particular article I read was that: the author had five principles that he choose to live by.  He repeated these principles to himself every morning and every night.  Due to this practice, he feels that his life is guided.  And he is attracting experiences and people that make it very likely that he will be the person he intends to be.

Flash forward a week or two or three.  I am in my “life coach” Elaine’s home office when I begin telling her that this year the guiding traits I intend to focus my attention on are:  fun and freedom. Not necessarily in that order either.

This made me ask, What principles do I intend to live my life by?

Okay. Onward.

Let me be honest.  I have never given this question any consideration until recently.  For me, my entire existence revolved around attaining levels of success that others would admire in order to gain their approval.  I did not think about who I wanted to be.  Or what principles I intend to live by at all.  As a matter of fact, I think I have lived rather unconsciouly up until a few years ago when I had my first nervous breakdown.  And my proverbial lift of sanity crashed to the bottom.  It was only then that I began to consider living my life differently.

Okay. I went sideways again.  Let me go full-tilt forward.

Since I have decided to live a life of adventure, fun, and magick.  It would make sense to create principles that would support that life vision and sustain me on my 2010 adventure to have more fun and freedom in my life.

I intend the freedom to come from:

1. quitting my current job at a massage therapy clinic.
2. owning and operating my own healing practice.
3. buying a car
4. learning to ride a bike
   

And the fun comes from:

1. making new friends
   
2. learning be a better guitarist
   
3. going on my first sky-diving jump
   
4. joining a band
   
5. moving into a flat near the ocean

Just contemplating the conscious creation of this list looks like a large order.

Now here are the questions that will help me and you sort out what principles we intend to live by from now on.

• Now what principles would I/you love to live by?  Or play by for that matter?
  
• Which principles would allow me/you to become the person that lives the life you intend to live?

Each of us will answer these questions differently.  So what I will do right now is use myself as an example and answer the questions and see what guiding principles I would like to use to shape the person I’m about to become.

Living a life of fun, magick, and adventure

As I have stated my purpose is to live a life of fun, magick, and adventure.  My values of focus this year are: more fun and freedom in my life.

Well, it’s obvious to me that my first principle is to live my life like it’s an adventure! So that’s first on my list.

Tc create a more detailed list, I would look at the things I would like less of in my life. More importantly, what do I value in my life?

So I ask myself the question: What would I like less of in my life?

The opposite question would work as well.  What would I like more of in my life?

And the third question asking what you value in life is helpful as well (if you get stuck.)

Here’s My Releasement/Elimination list:

1. Self-criticism.~ I could do with less of my mini-me telling me stories about failure, woe, and doom.
2. Lack of trust in myself ~ I wish I trusted myself more to make sound decisions and stand by them.
3. Not standing by my choices ~ I have a tendency to waffle if my mini-me thinks being agreeable will get me more approval from others.
4. The need to seek approval from others ~ I think many people suffer from this particular affliction.  Problem is that whilst we are all seeking approval from others, we aren’t being ourselves.
5. Fear of “shining my light” ~ I don’t believe I am alone in this one.  No one wants to be called arrogant for giving themselves a pat on the back.  Even when the acknowledgment is well-earned and deserved.
6. Speaking my “truth” ~ Telling people that I don’t agree with their point of view is still a challenge for me.  Even now I still have to practice.  And speaking my truth doesn’t mean I criticise others and call it the “Truth” with a capital T.
7. ignoring my intuition ~ I have regrets like everyone else.  What I regret most is not listening to my inner voice when it suggested I do this or that, and then discovered that a miracle was waiting for me.

Based on my releasement list, my 7 Principles List looks like this:

1. Live my life like it’s a fun adventure
2. Speak of my talents and gifts with joy and gratitude
3. Stand by my choices (which are clear and sound)
4. Speak my truth with love and compassion
5. x
6. y
7. z

Looks a bit incomplete.  So let me ask myself the second question:  What would I like more of in my life?

My Hubba Hubba Me Likey More List:

1. Peace
2. More time to smell the roses with days at the beach
3. learning a new skill to expand my mind
   
4. traveling the world
5. meeting new people from new cultures
   
6. eating new exotic foods
7. learning a new language
   

This list give me more insight.  Judging by my responses, I’d say I was a bit adventure-starved.  My spirit is screaming for new learning experiences; it longs to explore a bit more. Now I can bring my principles list to completion.

However, to deepen my insight on the matter; Let me ask myself, what I value right now?

That’s simple.  As I’ve already stated: fun, freedom.  And, a late entry into this list is inner peace.

Now let’s take a look at my list, and see what develops.

Here’s my 7 Principles to Live By List:

1. Live my life like it’s a fun adventure
2. Speak of my talents and gifts with joy and gratitude
3. Stand by my choices (which are clear and sound)
4. Speak my truth with love and compassion
5. Take time to enjoy life; to “smell the roses” as the saying goes
6. Expand my mind and experiences each day
7. Create a sacred space for inner peace within

As you can see, it’s all in the questions.

[I chose not to write this in a step by step format because I intend to focus on the process of self-reflection.  Questions are better for this process than statements and step-by-step how-tos (which are cool for those that find value in them).  I admit that I have a bias against step by step programmes as I have been misled by a far too many.]

Keep in mind that the list is an ever-evolving list and can and should change as you explore, learn, and grow.

Feel free to share your experiences with these questions in the comments.  I would love to hear what you’ve learned about yourself.  And I would love to read your guiding principles.

Now it’s your turn.  What’s on your Principles List?

Vibelicious comments:  Be excellent to each other.

Rude and/or mean comments will be deleted.

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photo credit: Koshyk

2009 was a great year for me.  A year of growth, both personally and spiritually.  Financially as well.  However, I began to notice a pattern that has stuck with me through several massage therapy positions of the past three or four years.  And that pattern begins with me starting a new job with eyes full of hope and enthusiasm.  Fast forward three or four months, and I am frustrated and resentful.  What happened?

Honestly, I always thought it was the job.  But I realised what changed was me.  Slowly by slowly, I came to the realisation that I am not Ms. Ideal Employee.  I am Ms. Renegade Entrepreneur.

As long as I keep pushing my feelings of frustration and discontent underground, I would never open my eyes to the fact that I would rather be an entrepreneur: setting my own hours, working from home, and earning as much I would fancy in order to further my own dreams and goals.

My biggest obstacle to this is me.  In the past, I quit too soon.  I didn’t make the most of my natural talents and gifts.  Or I let people with very strong personalities dictate to me what sort of business I should have and how I should run int.  In short, I was afflicted with a terrible case of Employee-itis.

Symptoms of Employee-itis

• You feel more comfortable having others make your decisions for you.
• You mental (and/or physically) punch in a time clock that defines your working hours.
• You tell yourself it’s safer to work a nine-to-five job.
• You are lulled into a hypnotic sleep when contemplating the security jobs offer (health benefits, a 401K, etc.)
• You arrive at work like a homing pidgeon without any memory of your drive there.
• You constantly tell yourself you’ll start your own business after you make more money.  And you haven’t save anything since you began telling yourself this three years ago.
• You get the Monday morning blues on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, etc.  You get the Monday morning blues every day of the bloody week.

The Cure for Employee-itis

• Wake up and realise that change isn’t going to happen to you.  You have to initiate change.
• Start researching your potential home business.  Go online and look up different work from home opportunities.
• Take small steps to gradually phase out of your job and into your new entrepreneur status.  Example, you might start you new (ad)venture a few days a week; as your business grows, you gain confidence.  After that, you can start visualising your new life sans the job.
• Get started now.  Time waits for no one, and you wouldn’t want to wake up in another three years to hear yourself recycling your current complaints and their accompanying feelings of frustration and stuckedness.

The Avon Challenge

What does this have to do with Avon?

I’m glad you asked that!

I’ve decided to take my own advice, and release the need to complain.  I’ve decided to be proactive.  With that intention in mind, I started my own Avon business on January 27, 2010.

Of all the work from home businesses I have researched, Avon is the easiest to sell for the following reasons:

1. For $20 you can sign up online as an Avon Rep and eRepresentative.
2. If you become an eRepresentative, you get a personalised website for free for the first three months.
3. Avon is an inexpensive well-known brand with Reps all over the world.
4. Easily accessible online training allows you to learn at your own pace.
5. Avon is flexible enough that you can set your own schedule to make your dreams come true.
6. You have an Avon mentor there with you every step of the way as you build your business.  You can ask questions, receive in depth training, and receive all the hand-holding you need to build your dream business.

I became an Avon Representative because I want to buy a car (a Honda Fit Sport in Blackberry Pearl), get myself a lovely 24 hr access treatment room so I can see my clients on a schedule that works for me; and, after years of living with roommates, I am ready to move into my own flat (a one bedroom, one bathroom with a den, a balcony, and a spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean.

These are my motivations for joining the Avon team.

My Challenge is a six month commitment that completes on July 27, 2010.  this means that I have committed myself to this time period to my mentor, Lynn.

My initial goal is to sell $15o or more and recruit at least one person to my team.

I’m looking to grow personally by entering into Sales Leadership and mentoring others to take action towards the conscious creation of their own dreams!

Am I worried?  Scared?

Yes, I am.  However, I intend to take this adventure and meet all challenges head on.  And the good thing about this is that my Avon mentor, Lynn will be there for training, questions, and hand-holding as needed.  So I am not doing this alone.

Every two weeks I intend to post updates on my progress including what I have learned, and challenges within myself I have come up against, and conquered!

Stay tuned, fellow travelers!

Come by and visit my site: http://www.youravon.com/seanelias.

Vibelicious comments: Remember to excellent to each other.

Rude, mean comments will be deleted by me without exception.

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photo credit: Andréia

I had a very odd dream last night.  It’s one I have in a recurring fashion.  Whenever I am trying to sort something out, I have a dream in which I am in an unfamiliar section of town, trying to find a bus or a train to take back home…

Oh, wait!  I just had an epiphany as I was writing the last sentence.  Before I tell you the epiphany, let me tell you the conclusion I always draw from this dream.

Conclusion:  I am subconsciously working on a problem, and the dream represents my desire to solve the problem.

Here’s the epiphany:  The dream isn’t about solving problems subconsciously at all.  It’s about my discomfort with stepping outside of my comfort zone, and my attempts (by catching a bus or a train back home) to get back into familiar territory.  Where it’s safe, secure, and cozy.

That said, I’ve decided that I intend to face head on my fear of being vulnerable, and post my fears so I can break their hold over me.  I expect that I will learn alot about myself; not the least of which i:  I will survive being vulnerable for a few moments.

Here’s my list of things I fear.

1. Being vulnerable.
2. Getting too much attention.
3. Being an entrepreneur.
4. Traveling alone.
5. Speaking my truth.
6. Admitting that, yes, I am a talented massage therapist out loud.
7. Telling people that I am afraid.
8. Allowing myself to care more for my happiness than others (because I have power to create only my happiness).
9. Admitting that I very rarely worry about other people.
10. Being filled with regret in my golden years.
11. Being stuck in a dead end life when I’m 80.
12. Spending the rest of my life alone.
13. Going through my life without making music.
14. Being sensible.
15. Following the rules blindly.
16. Working at the same profession, at the same job for the rest of my life.
17. Being famous.
18. Hiding my light under a bushel to please others.
19. Being swept away in a tsunami of love when falling in love.
20. Living in the same town since I was a child, next door to my family.
21. Moving back home to be with my family of origin.
22. Having my freedom taken away or curtailed.
23. Having people tell me I talk too much.
24. Telling people that it’s not okay to treat me badly.  To their faces.  And taking action to back up that belief.
25. Turning into a facsimile of my mum.

I am most firmly of the opinion that I need to have a project or a challenge launch for this year.   Something that I can do, and others can join in on if they choose to.

I came to this idea from reading Cassandra Rae’s blog.  (You can read about her challenge here.)

What are the things you fear?  Feel free to post them in the comments if you like.  I look forward to solidarity with my fellow fearless leaders.

Vibelicious comments: Be excellent to each other.

Rude, mean comments will be deleted without exception.

Related Posts:

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photo credit: r-z

I was over at Summer Plum’s blog having a look around, and generally being as inquisitive as possible.  I happened upon a post called the Rules (have a look if you like).  This got me thinking about all the rules I have followed…that we all have followed.  And I thought, ‘That’s bloody good idea!’  Couldn’t I make up my own rules for living?

Summer’s rules are about happiness.  My rules are about freedom.

Trap me into rigid thinking or situations, and I am guaranteed to run off screaming.

However, Summer has a mantra she uses that goes like this, Be what makes you happy.  I’ve decided to adopt this mantra until I come up with my own guiding mantra because I think it applies to my 2010 adventure; it’s all about freedom, baby.  The big F.

The Stargazer’s Rules of Freedom

1. Speak your truth. No sense in pretending you think, feel, or believe something you don’t.  All that creates is a sour stomach and sour feelings.
2. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Laugh if you wanna laugh.  Or as Chris Cornell sang in Soundgarden’s, Get Off My Wave, cry if you wanna cry.  Amen to that!
3. Make mistakes. Mistakes are not the end of the world; you can survive them and grow!
4. Make space for yourself. It’s not always necessary to fill every moment of your days with activities and people.  Sometimes you need to create space for yourself so you can hear your intuition/inner voice telling you the visions of your soul.
5. Practice gratitude. The operative word here is practice.  You don’t have to do it perfectly every day for the rest of your life.  You simply turn up, and give the best that you’ve got.  Granted, sometimes that will be alot less than you hoped for.  But that’s okay!  Just turning up is most important.  It’s the intent that counts.
6. Release the need to be perfect. Perfection is rather like looking for the Holy Grail; it’s a lifetime quest (as Sir Perceval discovered) Release the need to associate being a good person with being perfect.  It’s possible to be a good person who is in the trenches each day, practicing the business of healing, peace, and love.
7. Live from your spirit. In my experience, my mini-me (my conscious mind) is more interested in conformity, safety and security than in fun, magick and adventure because the latter three look dangerous to it.  However, as a newly minted renegade with a purpose, I understand and believe that a little discomfort can open up doors (and windows) of opportunity that I might have missed if I was “playing it safe.”
8. Embrace your renegade. Live out loud.  Be uncompromisingly you.  And be at peace with the fact that “those who mind, don’t matter; and those who matter, don’t mind.” (I forgot who said this.)  Not everyone is going to get on board with your new intention to be daring, bold, courageous, risk-taking, and wild.  That’s okay!  They can watch from a distance on the sidelines if they prefer.

What are yours?

Vibelicous comments:  Be excellent to each other.

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photo credit: Aitor Escauriaza

I was visiting Havi’s site one day last week, and was introduced to the wonderful concept of the ungratitude list (also known as the Lentil game).  I loved it so much that I decide to create my own ungratitude list and share it with you here.

So here we are.

What is an ungratitude list?  Let me explain.

Simply put you take eight lentils, spoons, or magick beans and move them over from one cup to another when you discover something in the world that doesn’t completely suck!

Enjoy!

1. the scent of rain
2. sunny days
3. blues skies
4. the friendly cat downstairs that walks me home (his name is Tommy)
5. hot miso soup
6. Havi Brooks’ blog
7. giving the middle finger to conformity
8. being different
9. cherry flavoured Life Savers
10. fresh strawberrries
11. Living in SoCal
12. being from Liverpool, England. Oy!
13. the music of the Red Hot Chili Peppers
14. getting to write as much as I like
15. the forum over at Blues Guitar Unleashed
16. the new adventure of learning to play blues guitar better
17. writing this blog
18. having this website
19. sci-fi films from the 50s, 60s, and 70s
20. horror films from the 60s, 70s and 80s
21. Bruce Lee
22. Pam Grier (especially when she appeared in Sugar Hill as a Devil summoning woman seeking revenge for the murder of her fiance
23. jacaranda trees in bloom in late spring
24. playing blues guitar
25. the poetry of Anne Sexton
26. the poetry of Nikki Giovanni
27. the poetry of Alice Walker
28. Aretha Franklin’s voice
29. the music and the harmonies of the Temptations
30. the Motown sound
31. purple orchids
32. the colour purple (the colour not the movie)
33. the Warriors (0ne of the coolest and oddest movies I’ve ever seen)
34. Jimi Hendrix’s music and guitar playing
35. blues music
36. funk music
37. Otis Redding’s voice
38. Janis Joplin’s voice
39. P-funk, pre-Westbound years
40. Shiva Nata
41. having a tongue to taste all of the wonderful food in this world
42. indigo, the colour
43. That 70’s Show
44. Topher Grace, that 70’s Show wouldn’t be the same without him
45. the X-Files, the early years
46. peace of mind
47. fleece blankets
48. massage therapy and bodywork
49. helping people
50. 19 degrees Celsius (weather)
51. hot baths on a cold winter’s night
52. cool breezes on a hot summer’s day/night
53. the first night of the full moon
54. spring time
55. the smell of freshly cut grass
56. the wonderful peppermint cold air scent my Gran had
57. sterling silver jewlery
58. Kurt Cobain’s songwriting
59. Nirvana’s music
60. knowing how to type (even though I went into horrible debt to do so)
61. reading fantasy novels
62. the Harry Potter series
63. A Wrinkle In Time by Madeline L’Engle
64. Where the Things Are (I’ve loved this book since I was a child)
65. hot soup on cold days (ahh!)
66. the velvety texture of fresh raspberries
67. the wild juiciness of blackberries
68. the scent of lemongrass
69. the scent of lavender
70. the sound of wind chimes
71. the percussive sounds of African drums and rhythms
72. the blues
73. the gorgeous spooky voice of Chester Burnett (known to the world as Howlin’ Wolf)
74. the gritty blues of Muddy Waters
75. the shapely and graceful lines of a Fender Jaquar guitar
76. vintage guitars
77. vintage guitar effects pedals

Your turn.  What’s on your Ungratitude List

Vibelicious comments: Be kind.  Be excellent to everyone.  And have fun.

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photo credit: Eustaquio Santimano

In my experience, one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do is to see myself as I really and for whom I really am.  I have been visualising myself as my ideal self for so long I actually feel lost without this potent tool guiding me.

This morning while watching an infomercial, promising parents better tools to parent their children; I began to ask myself this question:

• What would happen if I let go of my ideal version of myself, what would my life look like?

• What freedom would I enjoy?

Now I am still in the beginning stages of exploring these questions.  However, I feel that these questions could be the key to freeing myself from limitation.

Why?

Because as long as I am comparing myself to some fictional, yet idealised version of myself, I am not accepting myself as I am and for whom I am.  And that feels awful.  As long as I try to live up to herculean expectations, I remain unaware of what is really important to me and what I really want.

I get to mentally torture myself in fine pointy ways as well.  I draw an odd yet unhealthy comfort in trying to be Ms. Perfect Person, and failing and torturing myself some more.

So, how can we let go of our perfect selves, and embrace who we are?

I have found it helpful to accept my mistakes, my flaws, my quirks in all.  For example, I am not a nice person.  Whatever a nice person is, I know I am as far away from that ideal as it is possible to be on this earth.  If there is a nice person planet all nice people go to when I am sleeping or daydreaming, I know I will never visit this planet.

And the reason is:  I don’t want to be a nice person.  To me, a nice person is someone whom others walk on.  Someone who does what others want whilst ignoring what’s best for themselves.  Nice people usually end up angry and resentful about all that they have done for others and feel bitter than no one saw fit to do the same for them.

Why do I believe this?

I was taught this by my Gran, a woman I love and respect.  She was a nice person.  Always doing her best to help others whilst sacrificing what might be best for her.  An example of this comes from my early childhood.  My Mum was going out with a man who was physically, verbally, and mentally abrusive.  My Gran tried to get on with this man for my Mum’s sake; to be nice.  She even loaned the man money to move into his own flat when his behaviour led him to attack my sister whilst she was holding my baby niece in her arms.

Now being a nice person isn’t a bad thing.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help your friends and loved ones when you feel the need to.  It’s a problem when niceness gets in the way of you being you.  Let me illustrate my point further using the childhood story I shared with you.

What’s authentic to my Gran: seeing to it that my family was safe from a toxic influence (my Mum’s boyfriend).  What’s inauthentic: pretending to like  a person she would cheerfully have run over if he’d been standing in the middle of the road.  I know she would have loved to have done away with the fellow; she told us she had dreams about his death all the time.  And she would be smiling happily when she contemplated the earth without his shadow upon it.

That’s my Gran’s Ms. Perfect Person.  Helping people she didn’t like.

Mine is: feeling like I need to agree with other people’s points of view in order to be liked.  This did not work as well as I would have liked.

Letting Go of the Need to Be Perfect

I know what you all are thinking.  Let go of the need to be perfect?  How the bloody hell do I do that?

Okay.  This is not going to be easy.  Or comfortable.  I need to say that right now.  Some changes that are deeply ingrained in us can be a challenge to relinquish.  This is no exception.  Believe me, I am still trying.

The Tao of letting go is like this:

Step One: Accept that you are not perfect. And probably never will be.  And that’s okay.  The point isn’t to live up to some idealised version of yourself, it’s to explore more deeply who you really are.  Whomever that might be now.

Step Two: Let it be okay that you have made mistakes. You have made mistakes.  So have I.  Let’s all get together and love ourselves anyway.  Mistakes are necessary parts of the growth process that the spirit enjoys experiencing.  You don’t have to like your mistakes.  Or feel positive about them.  Scream, cry, howl at your mistakes.

Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Dum-de-dum-de-dum…

Great!  Now say this with me:

Mistakes are not the end of the world!  I will survive if I make a mistake.

And you will.  You have made many mistakes in the past and you are still numbered amongst the living.  We can now safely assume that the trend will continue.  Unless, of course, you make the mistake of launching a rocket to the sun with the intention of setting up a colony there.  That might be a costly mistake.

But most other mistakes can be lived down quite nicely without too many scapes and bruises.

What does this have to do with letting go of Mr./Ms.  Perfect Person?

Glad you asked!

When you accept yourself warts, shadows and all, including your mistakes you open up the door (or window, if you prefer) to let go of the need to criticise, judge, or belittle yourself into being your ideal self.  And that leads to loving yourself right where you are.  Not in some distant future when you have achieved perfection.  Cuz that may never happen.

Why wait that long?  Do you intend to live forever?  I don’t.  Whilst I am here I intend to live my life to the fullest with plenty of magick, fun and adventure.

Vibelicious comments:

How about you?  Are you ready to let go of your Mr./Ms. Perfect Person?  If not, what is holding you back?

Remember kind, compassionate comments are always welcome.  Rude, mean comments aren’t and will be deleted.

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photo credit: WTL photos

Whoa…It’s here.  2010.

If I had been told that 2009 would be a great year for me, I wouldn’t be have been surprised at all.

Okay, I would’ve been a little surprised.  2008 was an okay year for me; 2007 was wildly chaotic and I couldn’t wait to see the end of it.

But…2009 was wild in a good way.

The Good Stuff

1. I got a new job working at a massage therapy clinic.  And left my old job in a chiropractor’s office which was draining me.
2. I moved to Santa Monica, California.  Yay, I always wanted to live here.
3. I became certified by the state of California as a massage therapist.
4. I wrote an e-book (not available yet as I am going through the editing process).
5. I entered the National Novel Writing Contest 2009 (didn’t finish, but I managed to write through the 3oth day).
6. I became a ShivaNaut; I am doing Shiva Nata every day.
7. I became a licensed driver.  Hooray!
8. I began a programme to change through changing my handwriting.   Updates to come.
   
9. I finally got a bed to sleep on instead of a futon, an air mattress, the floor, or my massage table.
10. I started this website!  I post every Tuesday and Friday. Hopefully!
11. I learned how to create a website on the WordPress publishing platform.
12. I began Awakening Level 1 in the Holosync meditation programme.
    
13. I lost weight this year; I am now 8.3 stone (roughly about 116 lbs.)
    

The Bad Stuff

I didn’t leave my last job as gracefully as I would have liked.  Instead of telling him the truth; I was burnt out from working very long hours without lunch or a break.  I wanted to make a clean break from him and step into my new job which I had the option of going full-time.

I had to take money out of my savings in order to afford the move into Santa Monica, California.  So now I have to rebuild my savings.  Not from scratch, but I do have to rebuild it.

I chose to let go of some very painful relationships, including that of a once dear friend.  I chose to let go of these relationships because I had grown away from these friends (and, in some cases, family) and being with people whom I had nothing in common with was painfully toxic.

What I Learned

I learned that mistakes are more than okay.  In fact, they are necessary to growing, expanding, and exploring.

I learned to like myself the way I am.  As I am.

I learned that I am not the grudge-holding, critical, judgmental person my mini-me (my conscious mind) has always told me I was.  I am patient, and it takes me longer to get truly annoyed with people and situations than I thought.

I learned I am more open and flexible than I had once thought possible.

What’s All of This Mean?

Through all the bad parts and good parts,  I changed alot.  I grew alot.  I took alot of risks.  I made alot of mistakes.  I use the word alot, alot. At least right here I do.

The point here is:  I was willing to turn up.  Sometimes the results I desired exceeded my expectations.  Sometimes they didn’t; in which case, I tried a new approach and watched the results.

Now you… what was your 2009 like?  Was it a great year for you?  A bad year?  Either way, what did you learn?

Vibelicious comments:  what did you learn from 2009?

Kind and loving comments appreciated.  Rude, mean comments will be deleted no exceptions!

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photo credit: WTL photos

One of the most difficult things to do, in my experience, is to release the idealise version of ourselves that most of us keep stored in our heads.  We can’t help ourselves.  It’s unconscious.  Most of us are completely unaware that we have ideal selves.  We might even imagine that we can’t live our lives without this vision.

This idealised self was created partly by ourselves and partly by our families and friends.  It’s the shining beacon we hold aloft when faced with the dark nights of the soul.  It can be a source of tremendous pain and suffering as well.  Because whilst we are always trying to be this perfect person, we lose sight of who we are and what we want.  It becomes easy to deny or ignore certain inner promptings that tell us we are on the wrong track as long as we choose to live our lives the way a concept of fiction would live.

Did we intend to do this to ourselves?

More than likely not.

Did our family and friends intend to cause us pain by conditioning us to go on a never-ending quest for perfection as daunting as the quest for the holy grail?

More than likely not.  But it doesn’t matter now.

What does matter is what we are going to do about it.  And  I have a suggestion.

Release your ideal self, and come out of the closet about who you are.

Oh, but how do we do that?

Here are a few tips that may help.

Find a quiet place where you can relax.  Bring some paper and a pen. Take some deep breaths.  And write your answers to these questions:

1. Who would you be if you let go of your Mr/Miss Perfect, your ideal self?
2. What would your life be like to live without the expectations of living up to this ideal self?
3. What expectations could you get rid of now?
4. What would your life look like when you are free to be you?

Feel free to write as long as you feel you need to become as clear as possible.

Next, write a list of every criticism you or someone else has ever said to you.  For example,  you never listen.

Take your time and write as many criticism as you would like.  If you wish to stop after ten, trust that insight and stop.

Now burn or tear up that list!  Throw it in the rubbish bin!  That was the old you; the you that chased a mirage all of your life.  It’s time to say hello to the new you; the one that is okay with other people thinking you’re crazy for not trying to live up to some unattainable you.

Is this going to be easy?  No.  You might have to practice letting go every day.  But the wonderful thing is: you don’t have to do this perfectly.  You get to opt-out of the perfection game, and get to know you.  The real you.

Right now, I am on this journey with you.  I have a quiet, obedient self that conforms to other people’s expectations of me.  I learned this from the personality critiques of friends and family just like we all do.

The wonderful thing is:  I now get to opt-out and get on with it.

What about you?  How would you answer that questions above?  If you do answer the questions above, what did you learn about yourself?

Feel free to share your thoughts in the vibelicious comments below.

Vibelicious comments:  be excellent to each other.*

Rude or mean comments will be deleted without exception.

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