the Bend Your Reality Project

photo credit: Rietje Swart

Many a post has been written lately about the subject of gratitude. Each one alleges that gratitude is rather like a magick bullet, a cure-all that can cure the blues, the doldrums, and the need to complain all in one go. In short, a superpower rather like invisibility or the ability to fly.

But is it really the superpower it is claimed to be?

With this article, I’ll put in my five cents on the issue.

I believe gratitude can be a wonderful thing if you are having a rather blue period, and nothing seems to be going your way lately.  Sometimes the harshness of life can throw a learning and growing soul off course.  At times like these, gratitude can be a wonderful tool; it can help you remember that you have alot going for you.  That all need not be lost.

However, I don’t believe that gratitude is some sort of cure-all.  For example, if you are experiencing the blues for longer than three or more months, gratitude will be of no use to you.  But help from a trusted person in the field of psychology or psychotherapy might be.  Whether that takes the form of drug therapy, talk therapy, or cognitive therapy is a choice you and your health care practitioner must decide.

The pros and cons of gratitude are very few; but there are some.  So follow me, fellow travelers! Here we go.

Cons of Gratitude

• Gratitude isn’t a great replacement for proper health care when it’s needed.  I know that this may seem like common sense that everyone knows.  But let’s not assume that everyone is on the same page.  I have encountered people who were suffering from chronic and acute illnesses who thought that all they had to do was be grateful to get well.  Rubbish!  Be grateful for all you have in life, and get medical attention!

• It can be used as a servant of denial. Example: a close friend is in an emotional abusive relationship,  and decides to not complain and be grateful for the fact that she has a relationship.  Gratitude, in the place of helpful action to get to a safe place when it’s needed, isn’t useful if you are in any sort of danger.  Emotionally, physically or otherwise.  Get support, and hie thee to a nunnery, a support group, your best girlfriend’s house if necessary.  You can be grateful that you had the sense to get out before things become more toxic to your and everyone else around you.
• It can be used to suppress emotions that could be helpful if looked at squarely. When I expressed gratitude in the past, it was usually to suppress any feelings that I had not learned to be comfortable with.  So if I were upset that I had to work on a gorgeous day instead of enjoying in whatever way I saw fit, I would say, ‘I should be grateful I have  a job.’  The point of this was to cover up any feelings of guilt for wanting to just hang about doing nothing instead of being productive.  I don’t believe I am alone in this, fellow travelers!

Pros of Gratitude

• It makes you feel good when you feel overwhelmed by your reality. As stated above, sometimes it can be helpful to remind yourself of all the good in your life when you are experiencing a blue moment.

• It can keep you healthy. Feeling good actually helps boost your immune system.  An immune system overtaxed by stress or powerful emotions like worry can make you more susceptible to illness.  I don’t advocate using gratitude instead of cold medicine or alternative healing methods when you are physically ill, but it’s an excellent preventive measure!

• It helps you stay clear and focused on what’s (and who’s) important in your life. Life moves very quickly.  On occasion, counting your blessings will recentre you if you feel like you’ve wandered off course in life. Life moves quickly; treasure everything.

As I said, it’s short list of pros and cons, but I was attracted to the idea of seeing gratitude as a helpful tool instead of the magick bullet/superpower I’ve heard it described as in the Secret: the Movie.

I must admit I have never been brought to tears of gratitude (as have the producer and a participant of the Secret have); however, I will say that I have managed to pull myself out of a dark night of the soul several times.  And I have used gratitude to avoid taking action when it was necessary in my life as well.  Like all good things, moderation and application are the keys.

Send a transmission out from your corner of space if you have any insights, thoughts, or ideas on the subject.

Peace & Healing, fellow travelers!

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• What I Am Grateful For

photo credit: Per Ola Wiberg (Powi)

As I am writing my YA novel, fingers flittering away on my keyboard, I began to contemplate what I believe in. And I can’t think of one bloody thing. So I decided to contemplate what I don’t believe in.

I began to ask the question: what angers me? What are my biases/blind spots? I believe that there is no one better equipped to provide me with the answers than me.

However, I run into challenges when I try to answer these questions. What I run into is the desire to be approved of by others. I face my fears of being rejected, laughed at, or called a fool for “putting my heart out there to shot at’” to paraphrase J. R. R. Tolkien, the South African-born author of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

And here is where I am currently at. Stuck. Frustrated. Because I have put limits on what I will allow myself to say.
Now, you may wonder what any of this has to do with what I don’t believe in.

The answer is simple.   And not so simple.

My answers to the above questions go against the grain quite a bit, to my way of perception. And this may leave me open to vicious discussions with others about how wrong I am.

There I have said it. There it is for what it is.

I will be brave now and embrace what I don’t stand for so I can gain clarity on what I do believe in, and end this horrible state of frustration.

So here’s what I don’t believe in!
Constructive Criticism

I have read many blogs. All of them state quite boldly that we should listen to other people’s opinions.
What stone is this written on? I don’t recall signing a pre-natal soul contract agreeing to tolerate people expressing their belief that, because they have an opinion, everyone around them is now entitled to hear that opinion (and sometimes, agree with it).

It’s my opinion that, if a compassionate and wise soul had anything constructive to say to me, it would not be any of the following gems that people have shared with me through the years:

• “Did anyone ever tell you that you whine alot?”

• “You’ve put on a bit of weight lately.”

• “It’s rude to be so honest.”

• “You’re just a know-it-all.”

• “You should pack it in when it comes to music. You should be a writer, doctor, nurse, etc.”

• “Massage therapy is a nice idea for a career. But you can’t make any money at it.”

It can be argued that all of these people thought they were being helpful in sharing their point of view with me. But, you know what? I don’t care!

There is a vast difference between constructive criticims and the brutality that people often associate with the label. The above list is born of brutality. Everyone on that list ended their comments by saying that they were “just being honest.”

Constructive criticism is both healing and compassionate when done by compassionate and empathetic people. It is dangerous in the hands someone who is more interested in being right than in helping.

And I’m sorry to say, a great many people fall into the second category. Very few in the first.

Here is an example of constructive criticism in the hands of a compassionate soul:

“I have noticed that you seem to have lost a bit of weight lately, and I am concerned that your diet might not have enough nutrients to keep you healthy. If I am wrong, correct me.”

See the difference? The second way allows you to express yourself while allowing the other person to agree or disagree. It doesn’t assume that you are right; after all the person you’re talking to might be suffering from acute stress. And it allows you to express love to the other person.

Besides, more often than not, what others call constructive criticism is just an assumption or an opinion.
You can grow quite nicely, thank you, without subjecting yourself to an perennial committee of others.

Ponder this: others perceptions of themselves and you are flawed, subject to their blindspots and biases. Do your best to keep your mind free of clutter by only soliciting the perceptions of only the most wise and compassionate souls you know.  Smile and politely excuse yourself from the discussion with the others.
Suppressing Anger

I feel that anger can be a tool of growth, and I am less comfortable with each passing day of ignoring it. The result of ignored anger, for me, is lashing out at people for trivial things. Not to mention, alot of teeth gnashing and stomach churning.

The expression of anger is very healthy (as I have said here). I am saddened by the inordinate amount of books and articles written by people who operate under the notion that the expression of anger (or any other emotion deemed unacceptable by society) is a sign of an immature soul. This is false.

A wise soul knows that anger left unchecked can destroy more than anger expressed with compassion.

Like this:

“I’m angry that I didn’t receive a phone call to let me know you are okay. I have been concerned for most of the night about you, and a phone call would have given me alot of peace of mind.”

Let me say this, as well. Had I not gotten angry about the state of my life, I would not have begun a great career as a healer: wouldn’t have started this website; wouldn’t have become a hypnotherapist or massage therapist. In fact, I am certain I would still be lying around my Hollywood hovel with few opportunities and fewer resources.

Ponder that a bit.
Acknowledging Fear

I’ve noticed that most people are afraid of being afraid. Fear is seen as a sign of weakness, of spiritual weakness. People grow quite intolerant of frightened people.

However, not all fears are groundless. Fear is a very important part of your sympathetic nervous system. It’s the part of your brain and nervous system that says, “Run! There’s danger!”

Fear has a very important message to share with us all. If we care to listen. And that message is: more information is needed here. Once you understand that fear isn’t always a sign of being weak, immature, or lazy; you can gain greater clarity on what you need to know so you can get on with it already.

Here’s an example of healthy fear:

You’re about to set up your camp on the long-awaited camping trip you and your partner have planned for three months. You see a fire over the ridge, and the wind is blowing. You are afraid it might be unsafe to stay, so you choose to pack it up and leave before you’re in any real danger.

Later, you see on the news that the very spot you were camping at is now ablaze. Because you listened to your fear, you and your partner are now safe at home.

Fear is a means of information. It need not be your enemy. If used constructively (there’s that word again!), fear can be your greatest ally.

Allow this to sink deeply into your minds, fellow travelers!
Life Purpose
Contrary to belief, your life purpose it what you say it is. It isn’t written in the sky. Or ordained before your birth without any regard for the fact that you might grow and change in wonderful yet unexpected ways in your wild and precious life.

See, the problem I have with the life-purpose-is-ordained-before-birth concept is that it doesn’t take into account that you might use that miracle called Free Will, and change your mind.

I can’t think of anything more confining that have to stay true to a course that no longer serves you or the world. True freedom comes from the ability to make new choices in your reality as you see fit. This includes your life purpose. You are entitled to change your purpose from that of an intellectual/challenger of mainstream ideas to artist/creator of beauty. Your choice. Because you say so.
Life Is A School

Says who?

This one annoys me no end. It implies that we are here to learn lessons, and, once we get smart enough, we get to graduate and never come here again.

The end goal is: to get smart as quickly as you can.

It also makes life more about sitting and passing exams set for the imaginary standards of an unlikable Old Testament God (who enjoys doling out punishment), his angels (who do as he says because they have no free will of their own to say no), and various spiritual masters (who may not have even existed at all).  Heaven help you if you fail in their estimation.

I’m certain I’m offending alot of people here by saying quite boldly that I draw no comfort from meeting Jesus at the end of this life, and having him judge me as failure because I failed to live up to his out-dated 2,000+ year old standards.

I live in the 21st Century where the world has a population of over six billion people. Where crime and violence are fueled by a belief in scarcity. A 2,000+ year old book written and edited by men, proclaiming to hold the rules to how to live a virtuous life doesn’t appeal to me.

What does appeal to me is the freedom to chooose. All the choices I have made: good, bad, or indifferent, are all learning curve experiences. They should not be judged by mythological people and beings who have not walked in my shoes, so to speak.

Life isn’t a school. Life is an adventure where we all get pick and choose. Like those “pick an adventure” titles I have seen in the children’s section of the library.

Once You’re Enlightened, You’re Done

The path to self-actualisation/enlightenment is as individual as a snowflake. My path is unique to me; your’s is unique to you. And, while it may be helpful, to look to spiritual leaders like the Dalai Lama and others on how to best navigate that path;  such information is a poor substitute for direct experience. Without it, we are likely to intellectualise every experience and forget about feeling our experiences.

Self-actualisation is a process, not a destination. There’s no need to treat your journey as if it were a race to be won, and everyone on your path as a potential competitor or a tool to be used in your dash to the enlightenment prize.
A better question? How do you define enlightenment? What does it look like when done by you?

Ponder these questions and see where your mind ends up.

Through this writing I have come to the conclusion that one of the things I believe in is this: we are the ones who choose what meaning to give the chapters in our life stories; we declare an experience or choice to be good, bad, or indifferent. We decide what feelings to express and how to express them. We decide what our life purpose is, and when and if we are enlightened.

We choose. We decide. It’s all up to us.

Daunting thought, isn’t it?

It makes us creatively responsible for the process of creation that begins between our ears. In our minds.
I choose to believe that the best part of my life is still unwritten.

How about you?

So, tell me what you don’t believe in. And remember to be excellent to everyone when you share your insights here.
Peace & Healing, fellow travelers!

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photo credit: rappensuncle

We’ve all heard the old point of view about bragging: don’t!  More often than not, people view bragging as self-aggrandising.  We are supposed to wait for other people to bestow upon us the labels of: smart, beautiful, genius, creative, or good at something.

Well, bullocks to that! I say.

Why wait for other people to brag about your wonderful qualities?  Why not be your own best fan, and proclaim your gifts and talents to the skies?

No, I’m not suggesting we all become bores who monopolise entire conversations talking about the mundane in our lives in excruciating detail. I am talking about being okay with bragging about the value you bring to others and the world.

What got me started on this line of thinking was an unrelated post by Sparking Firepants (go here).  The post was  about focusing our energies on our right peoplehood.  This led me to an interview with Sara Bray (go here).  Which led me to her website which has a page called Bragging Rights.

Some part of me said,  Damn right! I wish we all could feel comfortable about sharing our gifts with the world, proclaiming our talents and genius; and modelling our superstar selves to the world.

I’m not interested in writing about the ills of society.  What does interest me is proclaiming what I have to offer to the world so my peoplehood can find me.

So what are my bragging rights?

I am an excellent massage therapist/bodworker.  I am great at deep tissue work.  And I am especially good at helping shoulders and backs heal.

My clients come to me for all of my technical knowledge about muscles, bones, and nerves.  They feel they are in very capable hands when they come to me after a shoulder or back injury; they entrust their bodies to me.  This is my superstar superpower.  This is how I spend my magick freaky deakey dust all over the world.

What about you?

What do you hide that you could be accepting bragging rights about?

Share your insights.

Peace & Healing, fellow travelers.

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photo credit: seanmcgrath

As I was riding the bus this morning, lost in thought, I suddenly remembered a picture I had seen once called Snake Eyes (with Nicolas Cage); it’s the oft-told story of a corrupt cop who has a change of heart once he becomes entangled in a conspiracy to commit murder.

I was reminded that, at the end of the film, Cage’s character’s life into ruin despite the fact that he had chosen to do the right thing.

The correlation I made to my own spiritual journey through life was that, more often than not, when we change even a little bit of ourselves our lives usually will look like a mess to us and to everyone around us.

It’s virtually impossible to keep your reality the same while changing yourself. I have made hundreds of futile attempts to do so. All of them have been in vain. No matter how hard we try, we can’t reach for new possibilities and hold on to what we have for dear life.

So what can we do?

Surrender.

I define surrender as remaining present with your feelings and emotions in the present.  Right where you are now.  It is a process, not a destination.  It’s allowing what going on inside you mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually to okay without the need to judge whether your feelings, thoughts, actions are socially appropriate to others.

Is this easy?  Of course not.  Surrendering to the present isn’t easy at all.  Each and every day I choose to work on it.  I never surrender perfectly (if such a thing is possible).  And that isn’t important anyway.

What is important is allowing yourself to feel what you feel in the moment regardless of whether or not you, or others around you, like it.

Once you are able to be where you are when you are, you open yourself up to becoming more mindful; with mindfulness comes the ability to let go of things that no longer work, and move forwards towards things that are good for you.

Here are a few tips for surrendering to the now:

1). Get out in to nature. Being able to opt-out of your current reality for even a few minutes a day could help you de-stress enough to think more clearly.

2). Have fun. Every once in a while, step off the treadmill that is reality, and have some fun.  See a funny film.  Have a giggle with friends.  Do something you enjoy for at least ten minutes a day.

3). Be with people you love. If you are going to spend eight hours plus a day with people you really have no connection with, it’s important to balance that with time spent with people you do have a connection with.

4). Don’t take reality or yourself so seriously. This is a difficult one to do consistently.  I admit that I have challenges with this.  Sometimes I am just too angry or hurt to laugh.  Or sometimes I find myself buying into the illusion that I am a helpless victim of life, and must accept what little I get and be grateful for it.  Such perceptions can be grim indeed.  But remembering that nothing is permanent in this world keeps me from sinking into a morass of self-pity.

With the suggestions above, I can go with the flow more.  Be open.  And allow the Creative Force and time to work with me and for me.  Instead of against me.  I have the freedom to surrender, knowing that tomorrow brings with it the opportunity for new choices, new possibilities that did not exist before.  That is something that both and inspires and motivates me to keep trudging forward even when things appear bleak or scary.

How about you?

What changes have you resisted?  And what occurred when you allowed yourself to surrender and “go with the flow?” How do your reality change afterward?

Feel free to share your insights.

Peace & Healing, fellow travelers!

Related Posts:

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photo credit: OakleyOriginals

“This one question – ‘What do I know for certain?’ – is tremendously powerful. When you look deeply into this question, it actually destroys your world. It destroys your whole sense of self, and it’s meant to. You come to see that everything you think you know about yourself, everything you think you know about the world, is based on assumptions, beliefs and opinions – things you believe because you were taught or told that they were true. Until we start to see these false perceptions for what they really are, consciousness will be imprisoned within the dream state.” Adyashanti, The End of Your World

It was on one of those self-reflective days on my daily walking meditation that it suddenly occurred to me that I have no definitions for success and authenticity and spirituality that were self-defined.

And it was causing me alot of pain and suffering.

I realised, as I revisited my past selves in my mind, that I often allowed the definitions and judgements of others define me, my level of success, and level of authenticity; whether it be family, friends, or other peers.  In fact, it never occurred to me to question what success, authenticity and spirituality meant to me.  I was too busy looking at the externals in every situation.  And coming up short in my estimation.

Also, I don’t know anything for certain about me, or my point of view.  I never took the time to self-reflect to the level that I do now.  I preferred to make others responsible for me self-esteem, my past and current choices, and current place in life.  It was quite frightening, honestly.

All of this happened because I wasn’t particularly curious about me.  Perhaps I was afraid of what I might discover.  Or, more truthfully, I thought I knew what sort of person I was.  And I saw no reason for further exploration.  I believed I was being self-accepting.

Then something within me changed.  I attended hypnotherapy school, and became quite fascinated with how I saw the world.  I wondered how I formed my perceptions and beliefs in the first place.  And my journey did not lead me back to my family, friends, or peers.  It lead me straight back to me; the originator and instigator in my life story.

Sideways:

The first inkling I had (this was before hypnotherapy school)  that I was the one in control of my mind, emotions, and life was while I was dining at my favourite thai/vegan restaurant on my lunch hour.  I had always defined myself as an independent loner type who had few friends because I wouldn’t let others close to me.

However, was this the truth?  Or a story I told myself?

Answer: it was a story.

I believed that I was powerless to change the story because this was just who I was.

That is, until the small still voice within me weighed in on the internal dialogue.  It was you who created the story, and the labels you come to know yourself by, it whispered, and you are the only one who can change them.  No one else.

This knocked me sideways.  I was responsible for causing myself pain.  Not my mum, my family, my past lovers and friends.  You mean it was me all along?  And it wasn’t written in stone, as I had believed, I could change it at any time?

I wish I could say the journey was always pleasant, filled with joy.  But it isn’t.  I wish I could say that the journey is over and I have landed in Enlightenment-ville; a place where enlightened souls live.  But I didn’t.  In fact, as of this writing, I am still learning about myself.  Every day, I question assumptions I have made about me and my place in the world.

Full tilt:

It wasn’t until I attended hypnotherapy school (hypnosis is a wonderful tool that allows people to understand well what their beliefs are, how they are formed, and if they serve them in any way) that I got very curious about me.  Instead of assuming that I knew all I needed to know about me, I began to question my assumptions.

I believe it’s not always possible to know for certain about anyone, including myself.  But what I do know about me is that I enjoy the process of discovering all about me.

Discovering about yourself is rather like building a house.  You have to first start with the foundations.  Core beliefs are those foundations formed in the early childhood.  An unexamined belief is like a flu virus; it can be dangerous to you if left unchecked.  Getting curious about yourself is like a antidote.

Here’s a question or two or three to get you started on your very own Get-Curious-About-You Journey:

• Who were you before the world decided who you were? Everyone of us had hopes and dreams that we may have innocently shared with our families with all of the awe and wonder of a child.  Only to have those desires wrested from our grasp by people who believed they knew how the world worked.  Here is your chance to reclaim those lost hopes and dreams.
• What dreams and hopes did you have as a child? And what made you give them up?  Did you grow and change in unexpected ways?  Or did you decide that you were being unrealistic?
• What was the characteristics that those around you most noticed? Were you shy, quiet, the showstopping extrovert?  I believe these labels are keys to sorting out who you really are and, even better,  who you want to be.

This journey begins with you.  You are the creator, the architect, the engineer of your beliefs, point of view, and dreams.  Isn’t it time that you become acquainted with you so you can make wiser choices that are in integrity with who you desire to become?

When you get curious about you, you throw off the shackles of externally defined limitations.  You can then become more open to the opportunities that are presenting themselves to you now instead of making choices based on your history.

Knowledge may not always be power, but it can be a helpful tool in getting unstuck and navigating change.

Enough from me.  It’s your turn.  Share your thoughts.

Peace & Healing, Fellow Travelers

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photo credit: Hamed Saber

Nice, easy to get along with, and politically correct of some of the phrases are some of the ways we try to polish off our crazy, wild, fragile edges in favour of something more socially acceptable to others.

Unfortunately, we don’t know, or forget, that the very things others don’t like about us are the seeds of our genius. It’s what makes us who we are.

Personally, I feel that being socially acceptable isn’t any fun. It’s hard denying who you are in favour of some facsimile. Ever tried to stop doing something that annoys someone else but that you love to do in order to keep the infamous peace?

I do. And my attempts usually ran out of mojo faster than it takes a Concorde to cross the Atlantic.

Sideways:

I love to talk. I love conversation. Throughout my life, I have always had people, who thought they meant well, informing me that I talk far too much for them. Of course, I would feel bad after this constructive criticism; and I would do my best to talk less. Naturally, this didn’t last long.

Why?

Because verbal communication was very important to me at that time. I don’t know of any other way to communicate my needs, wants, and expectations in my relationship with others without speech being involved. Interpretive dance just doesn’t work for me!

Full-tilt:

Everyone has shared their opinion about who are, what you’re good at, and what you’re not good at. These well-meaning people, whom include your family, friends, teachers, counselors, and colleges, have conditioned you to believe that they have a better idea of who you are and what you’re capable of. This is done through the grading system in schools; the three month evaluation period in most jobs. We have come to believe, that maybe others know us better than we do. That their external view of us is more accurate than our inside view.

Here’s the riff:

It isn’t. Denying all the less attractive aspects of ourselves in favour of the more attractive isn’t the answer. All that occurs is the nagging sense that you are driving in circles. You may start feeling resentful, put upon without knowing why.

Having a shadow side isn’t a bad thing, fellow travelers.  As a matter of fact, embracing your dark side is key to your genius. Your dark side is the centre of your contradictions.

How? you may ask.

First of all, if you are an enthusiastic person, your enthusiasm could be a blessing in one situation, and a curse in another.  Example, your enthusiastic side could be useful when leading a creative team and keeping them motivated; it’s a curse if your enthusiasm leads you to interrupt people when they are talking.

Same trait.  Different circumstances.

It’s time to start looking ourselves wholistically (yes, I changed the spelling of the word).  Instead of focusing on our positive aspects to the exclusion of all other parts of ourselves, it’s wise to look at the whole.

Another example:

The trait of stubbornness is often considered to be negative.  However, in certain circumstances, it can be a good thing.  Perseverance is linked to stubbornness.  It requires you to keeping moving forward in the face of (sometimes) overwhelming odds; it focuses your attention on the outcome or the short-term tasks at hand even when conventional wisdom contradicts what you know in your heart.

Need a more discriptive example?

Let’s say that you have decided to change careers.  You have a good job paying you very well with benefits.  You have all of the trappings of success (the cars, the home, the abundant bank account), but you feel that something is missing.  So, after some soul searching, you decide to go back to school to become an acupuncturist.  All of your friends and family think you’re insane and they tell you so.  But you choose to follow your heart, go back to school, get your degree, and open your own private practice.

You persevered, and yet you stubbornly chose to ignore what others told you in favour of what your spirit has told you.  In this case, to create your vision, you needed to embrace a socially acceptable hidden and disowned part of yourself to motivate yourself into action.

This holds true for alot of so-called “negative” traits.

This can be a challenge at first if you are in the habit of denying these shadow parts of yourself.  If you choose to work past your initial discomfort, you will find yourself experiencing a freedom, an awareness, you wouldn’t have discovered had you not been courageous enough to explore  the wild, the crazy, the icky within you.

What wild, crazy, icky parts have you hidden? And how have they provided new possibilities for you?

Look deeper.  You might be surprised at what you find.

Let me know what you discover in the comments.

Peace & Healing All

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photo credit: cordeman

In the New Age community, much has been made of the ability to turn negative emotions like anger into more positive emotions.  The point of this exercise is to make us more magnetic to what we really want so we stop attracting and manifesting negative experiences.

I was once a Law of Attraction believer.  I believed if I were to feel only positive feelings and thought positive thoughts then I would avoid all of the chaos and oops situations in my life.  After all, everyone knows if you just avoid negative feelings you will have positive experiences.

All this did for me was create feelings of guilt which led me to try harder to think and feel positive; this led me to feel frustrated which led to more feelings of guilt.  And finally to anger.  It was a never-ending vicious cycle.

Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point.

I have had a strained relationship with my mum since I was a teenager.  We are not close.  The reason being that I had alot of feelings of resentment towards her; anger towards myself for not living up to my high expectations that I could just forgive and then forget the poor choices she made in my childhood that put me and my siblings in danger; all this was done for the sake of her own personal gain.  As I said, I had a wellspring of resentment built up because I spent years denying the fact that I was angry.

Why?

Because I felt like a bad person; I believed that I had no right to be angry with her because she’s my mum.  I guess I thought it was wrong to be angry at your mum.

As long as I denied my anger, and believed I had no right to my feelings; the more resentful I became.  Then one day I met a rather indifferent psychiatrist who told me that feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are.  Just like that.

It started me thinking.  It wasn’t wrong to feel anger towards my mum at all.  It was wrong to pretend I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling.  Once I admited that, yes, I am angry at her; and, yes I my anger is justified.  I allowed myself the gift of embracing my feelings and healing simultaneously.

The point is this: not all anger is self-destructive.  Sometimes anger is an indicator that can lead to growth and healing.  If you’re willing to face your anger head on, be present with it by admitting it to yourself; then working through it with a therapist or with physical activity like hitting a pillow, screaming, kickboxing or whatever, you may experience a period that feels like a walk through total darkness but you will come out of the dark a more compassionate and whole person.

The world could use more compassionate and whole people.

So…

Are you harbouring any anger within you?  At whom or what?

Now that you have this information, allow yourself to feel the tsunami of emotion completely.  Do what you need to do to make it easier on yourself.  Scream, punch a pillow, go running, for example.  Admit that you’re angry.

Go ahead; I’ll wait.

Okay.  Feel better?

Here’s a little dewdrop of wisdom I’ve learned in my self-actualisation journey: The world won’t end because you’ve gotten upset.  Trust me.  I have gotten angry many times with people and situations, and the world is still here today. I believe you will have a similar experience.

Anger is only toxic or poisonous when it is allowed to fester for too long.  The key is to admit you’re angry,  feel your anger, express it, move it out of you by moving your body.

Is this always easy?  No, it’s can be challenging sometimes.  But when you follow or adapt the journey mentioned, you have an excellent chance of experiencing the healing that its a natural outcome.

Everyone deserves healing.  Don’t you?

What I want you to keep in mind: being angry is okay.  Holding it in or denying it isn’t.  And  anger can  clear the path to wisdom and clarity.  Who couldn’t use more those?

Peace & Healing, fellow travelers!

Related Posts:

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• the Wacky Magickal Power Of Being Yourself
• Get Curious About You
• Embracing Your Shadow Self
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photo credit: inottawa

It occurred to me yesterday after reading a particularly powerful post by Danielle LaPorte at WhiteHotTruth.com (read it here), that I have always been ashamed by how I want to feel about my visions.  I have mucked-up many a wonderful vision with self destructive stories.  Problem was, I believed these stories.

Okay. Pause.

Here’s a story. Yay!

I am a musician, and my greatest dream was to be a rock star with the tour buses, adoring fans, number one songs, the works.  I want fame and fortune.  And I wanted them larger than life.

Why?

Beacause I wanted to feel special.  Celebrities are treated special; they get gifts when they go to the oscars; people queue up ten deep to take their picture; people ask for the autograph; others hang on to their every word.

My first mistake was reading the new age books that implied that wanting to feel special or be treated special meant that I was an unevolved lemming who obviously doesn’t know what’s truly important.  What’s important is that we are all the same on a spiritual level (sayeth the New Age gurus); and, therefore, we should all strive to be equal (the same) on this plane of existence, too. Anyone who sees themselves as special is clearly a negative influence and should be stoned (okay, I’m making up the last part) for furthering the illusion of isolation and separation.

Whew!

So who wants to be a bad person?  Not me!

Back to the present.  Here’s the fire starting questions that began my current healing journey.

Is it wrong to feel a certain way?  If so, says who?  More to the point, how can I begin to be okay with wanting to feel a certain way and see where that takes me?

Is it wrong to want to feel special? I ask myself.  A better question would be: what would make me feel special?

First of all, when I answer that question, what comes to mind is that 1). people who listen to me because I am an expert, 2). I would be centre stage at events and workshops, 3). I’d be paid very well by clients who value what I do, 4). I’d also have the freedom to do what I love without compromise or apology.

I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting to feel a certain way.  I want to give myself the freedom to embrace these so-called guilty feelings and desires to see where they lead.  I’ve tried the alternative, and it doesn’t work for me.  It may not be easy to follow this path with heart.  However, I know that if I continue on I can expect to heal, expand, and grow.  Perhaps there is a divine reason.

I’m ready.  How about you?

Peace & Healing, fellow travelers!

Related Posts:

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• the Gift of Anger
• 5 Creative Things for the New Year
• Embracing Your Shadow Self
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photo credit: _DreadBoy‘

Your soul is an all-inclusive package – frills, foibles, and contradictions. It’s your opposing parts that leverage your magnificence into full force. ‘ ~Danielle LaPorte ~

Not too long ago I foolishly asked a friend of mine to tell me my foibles.  She did.  And I didn’t like what I heard, because, in her eyes, my foibles were not wonderful, dear, or wowerful; they were irritating and annoying.  This led to a long conversation that went nowhere and solves nothing.

She listed as a so-called foible my tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve;  i.e., when I am upset, angry, sad or whatever, I tell people around me and I show my feelings, too.  This is a natural reaction, I might add.  But it’s a problem for her because she is a card-carrying member of the Positivity Cult.  The motto of this cult is to avoid anything that it labels as negative.  This could be anything; for example, expressing sadness at the loss of a romantic relationship.

I don’t happen to believe that expressing emotions like anger or sadness is negative at all.  And I take exception to those people out there who have decided that the only world worth living in is a world where everyone walks around with happy smiles pasted on their faces (whether or not this is the truth on the inside or not).  I believe that sadness is appropriate if your grandmother has just gone off-world (passed away, passed on, etc.).

‘Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.’
- Walt Whitman

After that conversation, I became convinced that we are a beautiful mess of contradictions.  Inside of me lives a staunch intellectual, a rock ‘n’ roll tomboy, a sensitive poet, an adventurer, a wanderer, a musician, a faerie goddess,  an urban Bodhisattva, a Nefertiti archetype.  All of these contradictions are sometimes in harmony with each other, and, at other times, in conflict with each other.

Why?

Because each aspect of me has it’s own desires, hopes, expectations, and dreams.  Some of these will be in harmony with my spirit, while others will out of sync.

Until recently, I fought an ongoing war with all my selves, and got nowhere.  Now I know better.  It’s okay to have all of these parts of me.  They contribute to the wild juiciness that is me.  None of them are right or wrong.  More me or less me.

However, some of them are less in harmony with my spirit and  who I want to be.

The important thing to remember is this:  there is no need to apologise for being who you are.  More than accepting who you are, these other parts of you carry within them gifts, talents, and strengths that could be of use to you.  They are wonderful resources, but first you have to embrace them, be okay with them, and then celebrate them.

I invite all fellow travelers to opportunity to practice a day or an hour of un-apology.

What is un-apology?

Stop apologising for who you are.  It’s true that people aren’t going to like you all the time.  As a matter of fact, they might get angry at you for not changing to win their approval.

And that’s okay. Everyone doesn’t have to like you all the time.  Be at peace with that and give yourself and your loved ones the gift of seeing and being with the real you.  Not some facsimile created to hide the truth.

It’s a blessing to be unique.  Enjoy the blessing!

Dig the vibe, fellow travelers.

Related Posts:

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photo credit: Simon Blackley

It’s amazing looking back from the perspective of someone in the shade of 25. Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown, how much I’ve changed. Not too long ago, I had long braids, wore a green silk scarf over my head, and dressed in California neo-hippie chic while living in Liverpool, England. I remember being deeply involved in the search to find myself, my right people, and my place in the world.

A few years later has made all the difference. I am now a State of California certified massage therapist, specialising in rehabilitative and sports injury massage and bodywork. I am a certified hypnotherapist, a Reiki Master Practitioner/Teacher. From lost and going nowhere quickly to having  almost an entire alphabet after my name.

Dear Sean @ 21;

1. Schools are prisons for the mind. You can learn more on your own by studying what truly interests you.
2. Having money, cars, and a big house doesn’t make you a success. You’re a success when you are doing what you love and making a difference in the world doing it.
3. Learn to value your own good opinion over everyone else’s. Other people will come and go in your life, but you are the one constant. Give yourself the gift of thinking well of yourself.
4.There’s no such thing as destiny. You cre the creator and master of your life. It really is your responsibility. Choose well.
5. Your supposed to make mistakes in order to learn. Don’t be afraid to make lots of mistakes.
6. Don’t bother chasing the money. Trust me. You will be bored; the work will be hard. And you won’t make any money at it anyway.
7. Be honest. Even though others may not always appreciate your honesty, share your truth. Your peoplehood will appreciate it greatly.
8. There isn’t always a rational explanation for everything. Allow life to be a wondrous journey.
9. Meditation is good. Do it your way, darlin’. There’s more to meditation than sitting in the painful Lotus Position while repeating a mantra you’re not certain you’re saying right.
10. Don’t lend out books you love and want to keep.
11. Your soul’s mission is what you say it is. It isn’t written in the sky. Don’t wait for a supernatural force to appear in a halo of light to start defining your purpose. Define it yourself.
12. You are not a morning person, sweetpea. It’s okay to not want to wake up before 9 am.
13. You can make money doing what you love despite what your family has told you.
14. Trust your intuition when it tells you to do something, say something, or go somewhere. It’s usually right.
15. Experiment with your sexuality. Life is too short to lock yourslef into a category that may not suit you. Anyway, you should kiss another woman at least once in your life. Maybe twice.
16. There’s nothing wrong with you. Know that. Despite what your family, friends, or colleagues may have told you. You are a wonderful person; nothing is broken. Nothing needs fixing. If someone tells you differently, ignore them.
17. Don’t believe everything you think. Not every thought you have about yourself is right. As a matter of fact, any thought that makes you feel bad about yourself is a thought you ignore.
18. Don’t believe everything everyone else says either. You can listen if you life, but don’t believe what they say all the time. People have their stories, too. And their stories are as erroneous as yours.
19. Diplomacy is overrated.
20. Just because someone ahs written a book, or has letters after their name does not mean they are an authority. More importantly, the only authority on you and your life is you.
21. Life gets better each and every day…

Believe me.

Peace & Healing

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