the Bend Your Reality Project

photo credit: wakalani

Every once in a while the Universe throws you a curve ball in answer to a question or the internal shout for help.  In my case, it was seeing an Avon commercial on telly in the midnight hours between fitful sleep and wakefulness.  (Go here to read about that).  This was after I expressed my desire to make more money to build my holistic private practice.

Last year I took a guitar lesson from a very nice fellow named Buzz.  He taught me a few chord based soloing techniques in our half hour together.  For a month of lessons, it would have cost me $150.  Which is not over-expensive; however, I had other adventures going on at the time that required my money at that time, so I had to let go of my desire to become a better guitarist for another time.

Enter Blues Guitar Unleashed

Well, that time came on January 10.  I was on my Yahoo! page when I noticed that Jimi Hendrix’s estate had released a new album of his material (Valleys of Neptune).  I clicked to read the news story about it when my eyes caught a link that said you can solo with just four notes!  Preposterous!  Poppycock!  And gobbledygook besides!

I was curious enough to go to the site.  I was introduced to Blues Guitar Unleashed and it’s creator, Griff Hamlin.  The story goes that he created this course with support from his students who felt that they had received such a great benefit from the course and so should others.

When I read this on the course’s sales page, I thought, I am others.  So I purchased the course (about $130), and I have been plugging away with it ever since.

Now most people define personal growth as akin to spiritual shifts.  But I define personal growth as any attitude, belief, and/or action that creates significant and powerful changes in my life; mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

What this course has done for me?

1. I realised that while I am not the guitarist I want to be yet; I am not the worst guitarist in the world (as my mini-me would have me believe).
2. I am uninterested in perfection as a goal. I find trying to be perfect as frustrating as trying to count all the grains of sand on a beach.  Not to mention, being a waste of perfectly good time which I could spend doing worthwhile things like writing songs, writing for my blog, or promoting my Avon business.
3. There’s a reason why they call guitar practice a practice. It means we are supposed to make mistakes and learn from them.  If we were meant to play guitar, sing, dance, write, or live perfectly; it would be called guitar perfect, sing perfect, or writing perfect.
4. I am a success each and every day I turn up and play guitar. Whether I play well or badly, I turn up and see what happens.  And believe me, there are days when my fingers behave as if they are alien to my body.
5. Even when you love something, sometimes it just feels uncomfortable to change and grow. I love playing guitar!  I love learning new comping techniques, chords, new ways of seeing.  However, I do not like  the road nor the view from here to there.  Because that is some of the most discomforting experiences of my life.  An example, when I was learning to read music, I just could not understand how individual chords fit together.  It was rather like reading German without understanding German at all.  Eventually, I rode out the discomfort, and viola, I suddenly understood how chord progressions fit together.  After that I was able to write some songs!  The discomfort was hell!  But the result made it worth it.  Change is sometimes uncomfortable is the point.
   

Now I mention this because I have always wanted to be a better guitarist, but my inner critic wouldn’t allow it.  I had to play as well as Jimi Hendrix (I am a fan!) or I wouldn’t be allowed to play at all.

What sort of reasoning is this?  I asked myself.  How can I expect to be a better guitar player if I never allow myself the joy of mucking it up and starting again.  And mucking it up some more.  Learning some more.  And starting again!

Answer:  I can’t learn anything if I am not allowed to practice.  And practice badly sometimes.

This is how everyone grows!

Engaging the Heart

Part of the growing process for me is opening the doorways and windows of perception so I can see in new and clearer ways.  After all,  I wasn’t going to become a better guitar player as long as I held the attitude that I was just plain bad!  With that belief in operation, I couldn’t get myself to pick up a guitar without my mini-me sneering, ‘Well, you’re never going to get anywhere!  Remember the last time when….’  Such disheartening words always flattened my spirit and disengaged my heart.

As  long as my logic was the only one allowed in the creative sandbox, there was no creativity present.  Just feelings of resentment and longing that depressed me horribly.  Why do this to myself?  Why do this to yourself?

You Are Now Entering the Discomfort Zone

The best way to solve the problem was to forget about any goals of perfection.  And focus on what you can do today to be a master of conscious creation.  Today is where success is defined.  Not tomorrow!

Each and every action you take action  in the direction of  your life vision is a moment, an hour or a day that you can call yourself successful instead of waiting for that magickal day when all your cats, ducks, or what eggs queue up in a row.  Or in a basket.  Or whatever container or lack of container you would prefer to visualise.

It’s a challenge to be imperfect and turn up anyway. Whether it is to a job you love, or learning to scuba dive; you will enter the discomfort zone.  That horrible liminal period where you feel you can’t do anything right and you flop about like a mud-skipper without the mud.  And all of your attempts to get back to that safe, warm, and secure place you once knew will be thwarted by Universal forces who might have a nasty sense of humour.  That’s okay.

The point is:  I don’t expect to do things perfectly anymore.  And neither should you.  Expect to do well.  But no longer do you need to fear that extreme standards for perfection are called for in your quest to become more of the person you intend to be.  I can allow myself to appreciate the small victories scattered like gold coins on the yellow brick road we call personal growth.  Can you?

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

It’s easier to engage your heart if you allow it to speak to you every once in a while.  Logic isn’t always the best way to live your life.  Neither is avoiding discomfort.

Let’s be honest.  How many of us don’t follow our passions, do what we love because we fear discomfort for even a small period of time?  I do.  Maybe you do as well?

Living in the discomfort zone on occasion can bring great rewards.  If you’re going to follow the yellow brick road of doing what you love, periods of chaos, and mucky icky feelings will be companions.  As I have already stated: sometimes change doesn’t always feel good.  Go on anyway.  Let your heart lead this time.

As I follow the yellow brick road to becoming a better guitar player, I listen to my heart more and my head less.  After all, my head is what got me into the frustrating morass of creative constipation in the first place.

Notes from the Discomfort Zone

Learn that the best way to heal creative constipation or learn any new skill  is to do something creative.   Anything creative. Begin it, feel all the icky sticky feelings that come along for the ride. And do it badly, goodly, or in-betweenly.  But give yourself the opportunity to start.  Perfection unnecessary.  Resistance optional. Turning up a big fat yes!

So here’s the question for you: where in your life can you live in your discomfort zone?  What would be the benefits if you did?

That’s all for today.  Sorry,  no clever jokes!

Peace & Healing,

Vibelicious comments:  Be excellent to each other.

Rude, mean comments will be deleted without exception.

Related Posts:

• 5 Creative Things for the New Year
• Get Curious About You
• Embracing Your Shadow Self
• The Passion Test
• the Wacky Magickal Power Of Being Yourself

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

One of the themes that repeatedly comes up in my life these days, or more honestly, these years is the concept of giving my power away.  Instead of focussing on my intentions, I allow my attention to be pulled away by all the excuses reasons why I can’t succeed.  Now these reasons seem perfectly logical to me; as your reasons for not goingafter what you want are to you.

Typically, there are several places where most people tend to give their power away.

Relationships

For example, let’s say you are looking to find the love of your life.  However, you have certain prerequisites you feel you must do before true love can be yours.  You might decide that you need to lose ten pounds so that you are attractive enough to deserve your beloved’s love.  Or you may decide that you absolutely must have a certain amount of money in the bank so that you’re worthy of receiving love.

These reasons, these prerequisites, are not written in stone anywhere on plant earth.  And yet we all like to pretend that they are.  Take a look around at your reality, and you will see heavy-set people who are happily married or in a relationship.  Look some more and you will see that there are people who don’t have x amount of dollars in the bank who have loving relationships.

What’s the real reason for the prerequisite (which are actually just excuses not to act)?

Fear.  Our old frenemy.

What are we all waiting for?

We are waiting for the day when we have a surplus of courage, time, and the appropriate circumstances to move forward.  In short, we are waiting for the stars to align and the Universe itsself to ordain our dreams, visions, and goals as worthy.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Because we sometimes labour under the delusion that our dreams, visions, and goals are small and silly in comparison to the problems the world is facing.  But here is the caveat:  the world is always facing problems! It had problems in the past, does so now, and will continue to do so in the future.  If we are waiting for the moment when the world is calm and peaceful to go after what we want, then we will be waiting a long time.  And I, quite frankly, do not intend to wait that long!

Guess what?

The world’s problems are not your fault. And will not change just because you, or me, or the guy in the purple socks who stands on the corner talking to pidgeons, decides not to opt-in for happiness in this moment.  Now I’m not advocating blantant sybaritism (people who party like it’s the end of the world without considering the consequences), or consumerism.  I am advocating happiness right now.

How many of us could use some more happiness?

Work/Career

How many of us choose to stay in jobs or careers that we either hate or are bored of? We do it because our logic tells us that we need this job to make money, pay our bills, and buy things we really want.  I’m not against jobs per se.  What I am not for is taking a job that makes you sick and/or tired.  Literally.  And I’m especially not for doing it until I retire (and then after that, I have to eat cat food and peanut butter whilest cradling any feelings of regret about the chances and choices I could have made in the direction of my dreams.)

Not worth it.  Life is a grand adventure.  Every moment is an opportunity to make a wise choice in favour of our vision.

Social Life

Let’s say for example that you desire an active social life in which you go out at least twice a week (or eight times per month).  Instead of flowing your energy in this direction, you choose to cling to old, disempowering relationships with people whom you’ve been mates with for years.  You have not been close to these people in years yet you feel the need to hang about with these people, making conversation about subjects and issues that bore you practically to death (figuratively speaking).

Whilst it’s not easy to step out into new territory or be alone for a period of time; sometimes we forget that it’s not kind to pretend that we are more emotionally invested in a relationship than we really are.  And it’s uncomfortable to meet new people or be alone; so much so that most people will go to great lengths to avoid either circumstance.

Remember that as human we are all entitled to experience happiness in whatever ways allow us to be our best selves.  The good of all is best served by everyone creating the selves and the lives that bring out our best selves/spirits.

Is this easy?  No, it’s not.  But the effort made is ultimately worth it.

So, to here are some ways to help you take your power back.

6 Ways to Take Your Power Back

1. Stop making excuses. It’s your life.  You make the rules, set the curriculum, and make the decisions.  If you have a job that is unfulfilling, it’s because you have made the choice to be in such a job.  Now you can make a different choice and leave.  Now.
2. Be more mindful of your thoughts. What are you telling yourself?  Most of us have stories we have been telling ourselves since childhood.  Most of these stories are fear-based stories that put us in the uncomfortable position of helpless victim of fate to whom life happens.  Time to change the channel, and get a new story where you are the resourceful hero in charge of your own destiny.  Pay attention to what you think.  Don’t judge it or criticise it.  Just notice what your mind is doing, and you will have a good representation of the building blocks you are using to create your world.
3. Shift your consciousness. It’s time to claim the power that is rightfully yours.  The power to decide how you life is going to look, and how you are going to feel about it.  Only you can shift your perspective enough to cause a shift in your perceptions.  Let me introduce your mind to this thought:  It’s okay for you to choose your happiness whilst others are unhappy. Let them live their lives, and you live yours.  Besides, there is nothing you can do about the happiness of others anyway so why even put your energy there.
   
4. Spend time with empowering people. Just because someone shares a bloodline or oxygen supply with you doesn’t entitle them to rip you to shreds emotionally and verbally.  You want to be around like-minded people instead of giving your energy to disempowering relationships.    Release the need to win the approval and permission of others to live your best life and be your best self.  They might not ever give you either, and life is dark, joyless, and painful without passion and joy in life.  Underline this in your mind:  you might have to let go of those who aren’t interested in being supportive. Doesn’t mean you or they are bad people.  You’ve just grown apart is all.
   
5. Feed your energy into your desires. If you want to start your own business, go network with other business owners.  Read books and blogs on enterpreneurships/isms.  Find a role model and/or mentor who has done what you intend to do, and get tips on how to succeed.  This is just one example, but the same ideas still apply if you chose to be a writer, actress, or musician.
   
6. Work through your resistance (s). Resistance can take many forms.  It can come in the form of your friends, family, and colleagues at work calling you crazy when you tell them of your visionline (yep, just made up a word) to move to a small beach town in Mexico and start your own adventure company.  Or they giggle behind their hands and roll their eyes when you confide to them that you are seriously considering leaving your decent job with the good benefits to go on the road with your acoustic guitar as a full-time touring musician.   So what?  You don’t need anyone’s permission to be who you are.  Or to want what you want.  Just take small steps each day (nothing too overwhelming) in the direction of your self-ordained destiny.  Let the rest of the world catch up with you if it wants to.

After all, it’s easier to beg for forgiveness later than it is to painfully ask for permission now.  As I’ve stated already, no one can give you permission.  No matter now much they may believe, hope, or wish that they have the power to do so.

Now I give the spotlight back to you.  In which area of your life are you most likely to give your power/energy away to an excuse and/or person.  Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Peace, fellow travelers!

Related Posts:

• How to Create a 7 Principles to Live By List
• How to Create Your Own Rules
• Letting Go of Mr./Ms. Perfect Person
• Get Curious About You
• 5 Creative Things for the New Year

photo credit: josephpetepickle

I was reading a really cool blog by an odd fellow based in the U.K.   The writer of the blog is called Johnny.  Of course, now that I want to read his blog, I can’t bloody remember the name of it.

But, alas, I digress…

The point of the particular article I read was that: the author had five principles that he choose to live by.  He repeated these principles to himself every morning and every night.  Due to this practice, he feels that his life is guided.  And he is attracting experiences and people that make it very likely that he will be the person he intends to be.

Flash forward a week or two or three.  I am in my “life coach” Elaine’s home office when I begin telling her that this year the guiding traits I intend to focus my attention on are:  fun and freedom. Not necessarily in that order either.

This made me ask, What principles do I intend to live my life by?

Okay. Onward.

Let me be honest.  I have never given this question any consideration until recently.  For me, my entire existence revolved around attaining levels of success that others would admire in order to gain their approval.  I did not think about who I wanted to be.  Or what principles I intend to live by at all.  As a matter of fact, I think I have lived rather unconsciouly up until a few years ago when I had my first nervous breakdown.  And my proverbial lift of sanity crashed to the bottom.  It was only then that I began to consider living my life differently.

Okay. I went sideways again.  Let me go full-tilt forward.

Since I have decided to live a life of adventure, fun, and magick.  It would make sense to create principles that would support that life vision and sustain me on my 2010 adventure to have more fun and freedom in my life.

I intend the freedom to come from:

1. quitting my current job at a massage therapy clinic.
2. owning and operating my own healing practice.
3. buying a car
4. learning to ride a bike
   

And the fun comes from:

1. making new friends
   
2. learning be a better guitarist
   
3. going on my first sky-diving jump
   
4. joining a band
   
5. moving into a flat near the ocean

Just contemplating the conscious creation of this list looks like a large order.

Now here are the questions that will help me and you sort out what principles we intend to live by from now on.

• Now what principles would I/you love to live by?  Or play by for that matter?
  
• Which principles would allow me/you to become the person that lives the life you intend to live?

Each of us will answer these questions differently.  So what I will do right now is use myself as an example and answer the questions and see what guiding principles I would like to use to shape the person I’m about to become.

Living a life of fun, magick, and adventure

As I have stated my purpose is to live a life of fun, magick, and adventure.  My values of focus this year are: more fun and freedom in my life.

Well, it’s obvious to me that my first principle is to live my life like it’s an adventure! So that’s first on my list.

Tc create a more detailed list, I would look at the things I would like less of in my life. More importantly, what do I value in my life?

So I ask myself the question: What would I like less of in my life?

The opposite question would work as well.  What would I like more of in my life?

And the third question asking what you value in life is helpful as well (if you get stuck.)

Here’s My Releasement/Elimination list:

1. Self-criticism.~ I could do with less of my mini-me telling me stories about failure, woe, and doom.
2. Lack of trust in myself ~ I wish I trusted myself more to make sound decisions and stand by them.
3. Not standing by my choices ~ I have a tendency to waffle if my mini-me thinks being agreeable will get me more approval from others.
4. The need to seek approval from others ~ I think many people suffer from this particular affliction.  Problem is that whilst we are all seeking approval from others, we aren’t being ourselves.
5. Fear of “shining my light” ~ I don’t believe I am alone in this one.  No one wants to be called arrogant for giving themselves a pat on the back.  Even when the acknowledgment is well-earned and deserved.
6. Speaking my “truth” ~ Telling people that I don’t agree with their point of view is still a challenge for me.  Even now I still have to practice.  And speaking my truth doesn’t mean I criticise others and call it the “Truth” with a capital T.
7. ignoring my intuition ~ I have regrets like everyone else.  What I regret most is not listening to my inner voice when it suggested I do this or that, and then discovered that a miracle was waiting for me.

Based on my releasement list, my 7 Principles List looks like this:

1. Live my life like it’s a fun adventure
2. Speak of my talents and gifts with joy and gratitude
3. Stand by my choices (which are clear and sound)
4. Speak my truth with love and compassion
5. x
6. y
7. z

Looks a bit incomplete.  So let me ask myself the second question:  What would I like more of in my life?

My Hubba Hubba Me Likey More List:

1. Peace
2. More time to smell the roses with days at the beach
3. learning a new skill to expand my mind
   
4. traveling the world
5. meeting new people from new cultures
   
6. eating new exotic foods
7. learning a new language
   

This list give me more insight.  Judging by my responses, I’d say I was a bit adventure-starved.  My spirit is screaming for new learning experiences; it longs to explore a bit more. Now I can bring my principles list to completion.

However, to deepen my insight on the matter; Let me ask myself, what I value right now?

That’s simple.  As I’ve already stated: fun, freedom.  And, a late entry into this list is inner peace.

Now let’s take a look at my list, and see what develops.

Here’s my 7 Principles to Live By List:

1. Live my life like it’s a fun adventure
2. Speak of my talents and gifts with joy and gratitude
3. Stand by my choices (which are clear and sound)
4. Speak my truth with love and compassion
5. Take time to enjoy life; to “smell the roses” as the saying goes
6. Expand my mind and experiences each day
7. Create a sacred space for inner peace within

As you can see, it’s all in the questions.

[I chose not to write this in a step by step format because I intend to focus on the process of self-reflection.  Questions are better for this process than statements and step-by-step how-tos (which are cool for those that find value in them).  I admit that I have a bias against step by step programmes as I have been misled by a far too many.]

Keep in mind that the list is an ever-evolving list and can and should change as you explore, learn, and grow.

Feel free to share your experiences with these questions in the comments.  I would love to hear what you’ve learned about yourself.  And I would love to read your guiding principles.

Now it’s your turn.  What’s on your Principles List?

Vibelicious comments:  Be excellent to each other.

Rude and/or mean comments will be deleted.

Related Posts:

• Engage Your Heart ~ Live In Your Discomfort Zone
• How to Take Your Power Back
• Letting Go of Mr./Ms. Perfect Person
• Get Curious About You
• Embracing Your Shadow Self

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photo credit: Koshyk

2009 was a great year for me.  A year of growth, both personally and spiritually.  Financially as well.  However, I began to notice a pattern that has stuck with me through several massage therapy positions of the past three or four years.  And that pattern begins with me starting a new job with eyes full of hope and enthusiasm.  Fast forward three or four months, and I am frustrated and resentful.  What happened?

Honestly, I always thought it was the job.  But I realised what changed was me.  Slowly by slowly, I came to the realisation that I am not Ms. Ideal Employee.  I am Ms. Renegade Entrepreneur.

As long as I keep pushing my feelings of frustration and discontent underground, I would never open my eyes to the fact that I would rather be an entrepreneur: setting my own hours, working from home, and earning as much I would fancy in order to further my own dreams and goals.

My biggest obstacle to this is me.  In the past, I quit too soon.  I didn’t make the most of my natural talents and gifts.  Or I let people with very strong personalities dictate to me what sort of business I should have and how I should run int.  In short, I was afflicted with a terrible case of Employee-itis.

Symptoms of Employee-itis

• You feel more comfortable having others make your decisions for you.
• You mental (and/or physically) punch in a time clock that defines your working hours.
• You tell yourself it’s safer to work a nine-to-five job.
• You are lulled into a hypnotic sleep when contemplating the security jobs offer (health benefits, a 401K, etc.)
• You arrive at work like a homing pidgeon without any memory of your drive there.
• You constantly tell yourself you’ll start your own business after you make more money.  And you haven’t save anything since you began telling yourself this three years ago.
• You get the Monday morning blues on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, etc.  You get the Monday morning blues every day of the bloody week.

The Cure for Employee-itis

• Wake up and realise that change isn’t going to happen to you.  You have to initiate change.
• Start researching your potential home business.  Go online and look up different work from home opportunities.
• Take small steps to gradually phase out of your job and into your new entrepreneur status.  Example, you might start you new (ad)venture a few days a week; as your business grows, you gain confidence.  After that, you can start visualising your new life sans the job.
• Get started now.  Time waits for no one, and you wouldn’t want to wake up in another three years to hear yourself recycling your current complaints and their accompanying feelings of frustration and stuckedness.

The Avon Challenge

What does this have to do with Avon?

I’m glad you asked that!

I’ve decided to take my own advice, and release the need to complain.  I’ve decided to be proactive.  With that intention in mind, I started my own Avon business on January 27, 2010.

Of all the work from home businesses I have researched, Avon is the easiest to sell for the following reasons:

1. For $20 you can sign up online as an Avon Rep and eRepresentative.
2. If you become an eRepresentative, you get a personalised website for free for the first three months.
3. Avon is an inexpensive well-known brand with Reps all over the world.
4. Easily accessible online training allows you to learn at your own pace.
5. Avon is flexible enough that you can set your own schedule to make your dreams come true.
6. You have an Avon mentor there with you every step of the way as you build your business.  You can ask questions, receive in depth training, and receive all the hand-holding you need to build your dream business.

I became an Avon Representative because I want to buy a car (a Honda Fit Sport in Blackberry Pearl), get myself a lovely 24 hr access treatment room so I can see my clients on a schedule that works for me; and, after years of living with roommates, I am ready to move into my own flat (a one bedroom, one bathroom with a den, a balcony, and a spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean.

These are my motivations for joining the Avon team.

My Challenge is a six month commitment that completes on July 27, 2010.  this means that I have committed myself to this time period to my mentor, Lynn.

My initial goal is to sell $15o or more and recruit at least one person to my team.

I’m looking to grow personally by entering into Sales Leadership and mentoring others to take action towards the conscious creation of their own dreams!

Am I worried?  Scared?

Yes, I am.  However, I intend to take this adventure and meet all challenges head on.  And the good thing about this is that my Avon mentor, Lynn will be there for training, questions, and hand-holding as needed.  So I am not doing this alone.

Every two weeks I intend to post updates on my progress including what I have learned, and challenges within myself I have come up against, and conquered!

Stay tuned, fellow travelers!

Come by and visit my site: http://www.youravon.com/seanelias.

Vibelicious comments: Remember to excellent to each other.

Rude, mean comments will be deleted by me without exception.

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photo credit: Andréia

I had a very odd dream last night.  It’s one I have in a recurring fashion.  Whenever I am trying to sort something out, I have a dream in which I am in an unfamiliar section of town, trying to find a bus or a train to take back home…

Oh, wait!  I just had an epiphany as I was writing the last sentence.  Before I tell you the epiphany, let me tell you the conclusion I always draw from this dream.

Conclusion:  I am subconsciously working on a problem, and the dream represents my desire to solve the problem.

Here’s the epiphany:  The dream isn’t about solving problems subconsciously at all.  It’s about my discomfort with stepping outside of my comfort zone, and my attempts (by catching a bus or a train back home) to get back into familiar territory.  Where it’s safe, secure, and cozy.

That said, I’ve decided that I intend to face head on my fear of being vulnerable, and post my fears so I can break their hold over me.  I expect that I will learn alot about myself; not the least of which i:  I will survive being vulnerable for a few moments.

Here’s my list of things I fear.

1. Being vulnerable.
2. Getting too much attention.
3. Being an entrepreneur.
4. Traveling alone.
5. Speaking my truth.
6. Admitting that, yes, I am a talented massage therapist out loud.
7. Telling people that I am afraid.
8. Allowing myself to care more for my happiness than others (because I have power to create only my happiness).
9. Admitting that I very rarely worry about other people.
10. Being filled with regret in my golden years.
11. Being stuck in a dead end life when I’m 80.
12. Spending the rest of my life alone.
13. Going through my life without making music.
14. Being sensible.
15. Following the rules blindly.
16. Working at the same profession, at the same job for the rest of my life.
17. Being famous.
18. Hiding my light under a bushel to please others.
19. Being swept away in a tsunami of love when falling in love.
20. Living in the same town since I was a child, next door to my family.
21. Moving back home to be with my family of origin.
22. Having my freedom taken away or curtailed.
23. Having people tell me I talk too much.
24. Telling people that it’s not okay to treat me badly.  To their faces.  And taking action to back up that belief.
25. Turning into a facsimile of my mum.

I am most firmly of the opinion that I need to have a project or a challenge launch for this year.   Something that I can do, and others can join in on if they choose to.

I came to this idea from reading Cassandra Rae’s blog.  (You can read about her challenge here.)

What are the things you fear?  Feel free to post them in the comments if you like.  I look forward to solidarity with my fellow fearless leaders.

Vibelicious comments: Be excellent to each other.

Rude, mean comments will be deleted without exception.

Related Posts:

• My Avon Challenge

photo credit: Eustaquio Santimano

In my experience, one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do is to see myself as I really and for whom I really am.  I have been visualising myself as my ideal self for so long I actually feel lost without this potent tool guiding me.

This morning while watching an infomercial, promising parents better tools to parent their children; I began to ask myself this question:

• What would happen if I let go of my ideal version of myself, what would my life look like?

• What freedom would I enjoy?

Now I am still in the beginning stages of exploring these questions.  However, I feel that these questions could be the key to freeing myself from limitation.

Why?

Because as long as I am comparing myself to some fictional, yet idealised version of myself, I am not accepting myself as I am and for whom I am.  And that feels awful.  As long as I try to live up to herculean expectations, I remain unaware of what is really important to me and what I really want.

I get to mentally torture myself in fine pointy ways as well.  I draw an odd yet unhealthy comfort in trying to be Ms. Perfect Person, and failing and torturing myself some more.

So, how can we let go of our perfect selves, and embrace who we are?

I have found it helpful to accept my mistakes, my flaws, my quirks in all.  For example, I am not a nice person.  Whatever a nice person is, I know I am as far away from that ideal as it is possible to be on this earth.  If there is a nice person planet all nice people go to when I am sleeping or daydreaming, I know I will never visit this planet.

And the reason is:  I don’t want to be a nice person.  To me, a nice person is someone whom others walk on.  Someone who does what others want whilst ignoring what’s best for themselves.  Nice people usually end up angry and resentful about all that they have done for others and feel bitter than no one saw fit to do the same for them.

Why do I believe this?

I was taught this by my Gran, a woman I love and respect.  She was a nice person.  Always doing her best to help others whilst sacrificing what might be best for her.  An example of this comes from my early childhood.  My Mum was going out with a man who was physically, verbally, and mentally abrusive.  My Gran tried to get on with this man for my Mum’s sake; to be nice.  She even loaned the man money to move into his own flat when his behaviour led him to attack my sister whilst she was holding my baby niece in her arms.

Now being a nice person isn’t a bad thing.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help your friends and loved ones when you feel the need to.  It’s a problem when niceness gets in the way of you being you.  Let me illustrate my point further using the childhood story I shared with you.

What’s authentic to my Gran: seeing to it that my family was safe from a toxic influence (my Mum’s boyfriend).  What’s inauthentic: pretending to like  a person she would cheerfully have run over if he’d been standing in the middle of the road.  I know she would have loved to have done away with the fellow; she told us she had dreams about his death all the time.  And she would be smiling happily when she contemplated the earth without his shadow upon it.

That’s my Gran’s Ms. Perfect Person.  Helping people she didn’t like.

Mine is: feeling like I need to agree with other people’s points of view in order to be liked.  This did not work as well as I would have liked.

Letting Go of the Need to Be Perfect

I know what you all are thinking.  Let go of the need to be perfect?  How the bloody hell do I do that?

Okay.  This is not going to be easy.  Or comfortable.  I need to say that right now.  Some changes that are deeply ingrained in us can be a challenge to relinquish.  This is no exception.  Believe me, I am still trying.

The Tao of letting go is like this:

Step One: Accept that you are not perfect. And probably never will be.  And that’s okay.  The point isn’t to live up to some idealised version of yourself, it’s to explore more deeply who you really are.  Whomever that might be now.

Step Two: Let it be okay that you have made mistakes. You have made mistakes.  So have I.  Let’s all get together and love ourselves anyway.  Mistakes are necessary parts of the growth process that the spirit enjoys experiencing.  You don’t have to like your mistakes.  Or feel positive about them.  Scream, cry, howl at your mistakes.

Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Dum-de-dum-de-dum…

Great!  Now say this with me:

Mistakes are not the end of the world!  I will survive if I make a mistake.

And you will.  You have made many mistakes in the past and you are still numbered amongst the living.  We can now safely assume that the trend will continue.  Unless, of course, you make the mistake of launching a rocket to the sun with the intention of setting up a colony there.  That might be a costly mistake.

But most other mistakes can be lived down quite nicely without too many scapes and bruises.

What does this have to do with letting go of Mr./Ms.  Perfect Person?

Glad you asked!

When you accept yourself warts, shadows and all, including your mistakes you open up the door (or window, if you prefer) to let go of the need to criticise, judge, or belittle yourself into being your ideal self.  And that leads to loving yourself right where you are.  Not in some distant future when you have achieved perfection.  Cuz that may never happen.

Why wait that long?  Do you intend to live forever?  I don’t.  Whilst I am here I intend to live my life to the fullest with plenty of magick, fun and adventure.

Vibelicious comments:

How about you?  Are you ready to let go of your Mr./Ms. Perfect Person?  If not, what is holding you back?

Remember kind, compassionate comments are always welcome.  Rude, mean comments aren’t and will be deleted.

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I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving (I’m English); however, I appreciate the sentiment behind the holiday.

This isn’t going to be a long article. I simply wanted to give thanks for all of the good I’ve enjoyed this year.  I’m not some Pollyanna-ish new age person who only sees the good in things, and chooses to deny the bad.  I am a person who realises how different a person I have become since January 2009.  And I want to take the opportunity right now, in the spirit of the holiday session, to look back on this year with a sense of wonder.

So, without further ado:

photo credit: eschipul

My 2009 Gratitude List

1. I am grateful for my new job working at a massage therapy clinic.  Due to this experience, I now know that working for a large massage therapy centre isn’t for me.  Also, I am more committed than ever to having my own alternative healing practice.  And, in the future,  my own healing arts studio.
2. I am grateful that I wrote my first e-book.  I had no ide,a when I started,  how to do it.  But I appreciate the fact that I didn’t make excuses for my lack of knowledge, or let fear stop me.  I simply turned up every day in front of my computer and wrote.  This made me more courageous when I decided to participate in  the National Novel Writing Contest this year.
3. I am grateful for participating in the NaNoWriCo 2009.  I didn’t cross the finish line this year with the goal of 175 pages (50,000 words) this time.  What I did get out of the experience was the freedom to write badly!  When I allowed myself that freedom, I could write and edit it later.  This experience opened me up to new adventures as well.  I feel more flexible, open, and ready to explore whatever opportunities may turn up along the way.
4. I am grateful that I finally licenced to drive.  I used to have panic attacks whenever I got behind the wheel of a car, I was so nervous.  This year I conquered this fear, and it feels lovely.  Yet another way in which I have bent my reality.  Once, I was a person “who didn’t drive.”  Now I am a person who drives.  Another added plus to this is I get to stop feeling ashamed.  Brilliant!
5. I am grateful for starting this website!  I actually had no idea how to install WordPress at the beginning of this journey.  I muddled about for weeks on end without knowing what to do.  Then I happened upon a DIY guide to WordPress installation, and, as fast as you can say, ‘Bob’s your uncle,’ I had WordPress installed and was writing articles.  It didn’t hurt that I conveniently forgot that LivingDot would have installed it for me for free!  If that hadn’t have happened, I wouldn’t have the lovely joy and freedom of being more internet savvy. Which leads me to:
6. I am grateful for discovering new ways to express my creativity.  Before I began my journey, I had very limited beliefs on what being creative was.  Painting, sculpting, writing, dancing, etc.  However, I now see that creating a website can be just as creative.  After being introduced to artists who use multi-media and digital to create and post on the internet, I can safely say you can be an artist without using oil-based paint or clay.
7. I am grateful for seeing an Xbox 360/Xbox Live game with zombies (Left 4 Dead 2)  and thinking, ‘That looks like fun! I need to get an Xbox 360!’  Instead of, ‘Boring!’  Now I am wondering to myself,  who are you?  Wicked!

That’s enough for me now.  How about you?  What changes, challenges, or opportunities do you feel grateful for?  And how have they bent your reality?  Did you feel more free, open, or what  emotion/feeling you want to feel more of?

Let me know your thoughts…

Peace & Healing All

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photo credit: Per Ola Wiberg (Powi)

As I am writing my YA novel, fingers flittering away on my keyboard, I began to contemplate what I believe in. And I can’t think of one bloody thing. So I decided to contemplate what I don’t believe in.

I began to ask the question: what angers me? What are my biases/blind spots? I believe that there is no one better equipped to provide me with the answers than me.

However, I run into challenges when I try to answer these questions. What I run into is the desire to be approved of by others. I face my fears of being rejected, laughed at, or called a fool for “putting my heart out there to shot at’” to paraphrase J. R. R. Tolkien, the South African-born author of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

And here is where I am currently at. Stuck. Frustrated. Because I have put limits on what I will allow myself to say.
Now, you may wonder what any of this has to do with what I don’t believe in.

The answer is simple.   And not so simple.

My answers to the above questions go against the grain quite a bit, to my way of perception. And this may leave me open to vicious discussions with others about how wrong I am.

There I have said it. There it is for what it is.

I will be brave now and embrace what I don’t stand for so I can gain clarity on what I do believe in, and end this horrible state of frustration.

So here’s what I don’t believe in!
Constructive Criticism

I have read many blogs. All of them state quite boldly that we should listen to other people’s opinions.
What stone is this written on? I don’t recall signing a pre-natal soul contract agreeing to tolerate people expressing their belief that, because they have an opinion, everyone around them is now entitled to hear that opinion (and sometimes, agree with it).

It’s my opinion that, if a compassionate and wise soul had anything constructive to say to me, it would not be any of the following gems that people have shared with me through the years:

• “Did anyone ever tell you that you whine alot?”

• “You’ve put on a bit of weight lately.”

• “It’s rude to be so honest.”

• “You’re just a know-it-all.”

• “You should pack it in when it comes to music. You should be a writer, doctor, nurse, etc.”

• “Massage therapy is a nice idea for a career. But you can’t make any money at it.”

It can be argued that all of these people thought they were being helpful in sharing their point of view with me. But, you know what? I don’t care!

There is a vast difference between constructive criticims and the brutality that people often associate with the label. The above list is born of brutality. Everyone on that list ended their comments by saying that they were “just being honest.”

Constructive criticism is both healing and compassionate when done by compassionate and empathetic people. It is dangerous in the hands someone who is more interested in being right than in helping.

And I’m sorry to say, a great many people fall into the second category. Very few in the first.

Here is an example of constructive criticism in the hands of a compassionate soul:

“I have noticed that you seem to have lost a bit of weight lately, and I am concerned that your diet might not have enough nutrients to keep you healthy. If I am wrong, correct me.”

See the difference? The second way allows you to express yourself while allowing the other person to agree or disagree. It doesn’t assume that you are right; after all the person you’re talking to might be suffering from acute stress. And it allows you to express love to the other person.

Besides, more often than not, what others call constructive criticism is just an assumption or an opinion.
You can grow quite nicely, thank you, without subjecting yourself to an perennial committee of others.

Ponder this: others perceptions of themselves and you are flawed, subject to their blindspots and biases. Do your best to keep your mind free of clutter by only soliciting the perceptions of only the most wise and compassionate souls you know.  Smile and politely excuse yourself from the discussion with the others.
Suppressing Anger

I feel that anger can be a tool of growth, and I am less comfortable with each passing day of ignoring it. The result of ignored anger, for me, is lashing out at people for trivial things. Not to mention, alot of teeth gnashing and stomach churning.

The expression of anger is very healthy (as I have said here). I am saddened by the inordinate amount of books and articles written by people who operate under the notion that the expression of anger (or any other emotion deemed unacceptable by society) is a sign of an immature soul. This is false.

A wise soul knows that anger left unchecked can destroy more than anger expressed with compassion.

Like this:

“I’m angry that I didn’t receive a phone call to let me know you are okay. I have been concerned for most of the night about you, and a phone call would have given me alot of peace of mind.”

Let me say this, as well. Had I not gotten angry about the state of my life, I would not have begun a great career as a healer: wouldn’t have started this website; wouldn’t have become a hypnotherapist or massage therapist. In fact, I am certain I would still be lying around my Hollywood hovel with few opportunities and fewer resources.

Ponder that a bit.
Acknowledging Fear

I’ve noticed that most people are afraid of being afraid. Fear is seen as a sign of weakness, of spiritual weakness. People grow quite intolerant of frightened people.

However, not all fears are groundless. Fear is a very important part of your sympathetic nervous system. It’s the part of your brain and nervous system that says, “Run! There’s danger!”

Fear has a very important message to share with us all. If we care to listen. And that message is: more information is needed here. Once you understand that fear isn’t always a sign of being weak, immature, or lazy; you can gain greater clarity on what you need to know so you can get on with it already.

Here’s an example of healthy fear:

You’re about to set up your camp on the long-awaited camping trip you and your partner have planned for three months. You see a fire over the ridge, and the wind is blowing. You are afraid it might be unsafe to stay, so you choose to pack it up and leave before you’re in any real danger.

Later, you see on the news that the very spot you were camping at is now ablaze. Because you listened to your fear, you and your partner are now safe at home.

Fear is a means of information. It need not be your enemy. If used constructively (there’s that word again!), fear can be your greatest ally.

Allow this to sink deeply into your minds, fellow travelers!
Life Purpose
Contrary to belief, your life purpose it what you say it is. It isn’t written in the sky. Or ordained before your birth without any regard for the fact that you might grow and change in wonderful yet unexpected ways in your wild and precious life.

See, the problem I have with the life-purpose-is-ordained-before-birth concept is that it doesn’t take into account that you might use that miracle called Free Will, and change your mind.

I can’t think of anything more confining that have to stay true to a course that no longer serves you or the world. True freedom comes from the ability to make new choices in your reality as you see fit. This includes your life purpose. You are entitled to change your purpose from that of an intellectual/challenger of mainstream ideas to artist/creator of beauty. Your choice. Because you say so.
Life Is A School

Says who?

This one annoys me no end. It implies that we are here to learn lessons, and, once we get smart enough, we get to graduate and never come here again.

The end goal is: to get smart as quickly as you can.

It also makes life more about sitting and passing exams set for the imaginary standards of an unlikable Old Testament God (who enjoys doling out punishment), his angels (who do as he says because they have no free will of their own to say no), and various spiritual masters (who may not have even existed at all).  Heaven help you if you fail in their estimation.

I’m certain I’m offending alot of people here by saying quite boldly that I draw no comfort from meeting Jesus at the end of this life, and having him judge me as failure because I failed to live up to his out-dated 2,000+ year old standards.

I live in the 21st Century where the world has a population of over six billion people. Where crime and violence are fueled by a belief in scarcity. A 2,000+ year old book written and edited by men, proclaiming to hold the rules to how to live a virtuous life doesn’t appeal to me.

What does appeal to me is the freedom to chooose. All the choices I have made: good, bad, or indifferent, are all learning curve experiences. They should not be judged by mythological people and beings who have not walked in my shoes, so to speak.

Life isn’t a school. Life is an adventure where we all get pick and choose. Like those “pick an adventure” titles I have seen in the children’s section of the library.

Once You’re Enlightened, You’re Done

The path to self-actualisation/enlightenment is as individual as a snowflake. My path is unique to me; your’s is unique to you. And, while it may be helpful, to look to spiritual leaders like the Dalai Lama and others on how to best navigate that path;  such information is a poor substitute for direct experience. Without it, we are likely to intellectualise every experience and forget about feeling our experiences.

Self-actualisation is a process, not a destination. There’s no need to treat your journey as if it were a race to be won, and everyone on your path as a potential competitor or a tool to be used in your dash to the enlightenment prize.
A better question? How do you define enlightenment? What does it look like when done by you?

Ponder these questions and see where your mind ends up.

Through this writing I have come to the conclusion that one of the things I believe in is this: we are the ones who choose what meaning to give the chapters in our life stories; we declare an experience or choice to be good, bad, or indifferent. We decide what feelings to express and how to express them. We decide what our life purpose is, and when and if we are enlightened.

We choose. We decide. It’s all up to us.

Daunting thought, isn’t it?

It makes us creatively responsible for the process of creation that begins between our ears. In our minds.
I choose to believe that the best part of my life is still unwritten.

How about you?

So, tell me what you don’t believe in. And remember to be excellent to everyone when you share your insights here.
Peace & Healing, fellow travelers!

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photo credit: seanmcgrath

As I was riding the bus this morning, lost in thought, I suddenly remembered a picture I had seen once called Snake Eyes (with Nicolas Cage); it’s the oft-told story of a corrupt cop who has a change of heart once he becomes entangled in a conspiracy to commit murder.

I was reminded that, at the end of the film, Cage’s character’s life into ruin despite the fact that he had chosen to do the right thing.

The correlation I made to my own spiritual journey through life was that, more often than not, when we change even a little bit of ourselves our lives usually will look like a mess to us and to everyone around us.

It’s virtually impossible to keep your reality the same while changing yourself. I have made hundreds of futile attempts to do so. All of them have been in vain. No matter how hard we try, we can’t reach for new possibilities and hold on to what we have for dear life.

So what can we do?

Surrender.

I define surrender as remaining present with your feelings and emotions in the present.  Right where you are now.  It is a process, not a destination.  It’s allowing what going on inside you mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually to okay without the need to judge whether your feelings, thoughts, actions are socially appropriate to others.

Is this easy?  Of course not.  Surrendering to the present isn’t easy at all.  Each and every day I choose to work on it.  I never surrender perfectly (if such a thing is possible).  And that isn’t important anyway.

What is important is allowing yourself to feel what you feel in the moment regardless of whether or not you, or others around you, like it.

Once you are able to be where you are when you are, you open yourself up to becoming more mindful; with mindfulness comes the ability to let go of things that no longer work, and move forwards towards things that are good for you.

Here are a few tips for surrendering to the now:

1). Get out in to nature. Being able to opt-out of your current reality for even a few minutes a day could help you de-stress enough to think more clearly.

2). Have fun. Every once in a while, step off the treadmill that is reality, and have some fun.  See a funny film.  Have a giggle with friends.  Do something you enjoy for at least ten minutes a day.

3). Be with people you love. If you are going to spend eight hours plus a day with people you really have no connection with, it’s important to balance that with time spent with people you do have a connection with.

4). Don’t take reality or yourself so seriously. This is a difficult one to do consistently.  I admit that I have challenges with this.  Sometimes I am just too angry or hurt to laugh.  Or sometimes I find myself buying into the illusion that I am a helpless victim of life, and must accept what little I get and be grateful for it.  Such perceptions can be grim indeed.  But remembering that nothing is permanent in this world keeps me from sinking into a morass of self-pity.

With the suggestions above, I can go with the flow more.  Be open.  And allow the Creative Force and time to work with me and for me.  Instead of against me.  I have the freedom to surrender, knowing that tomorrow brings with it the opportunity for new choices, new possibilities that did not exist before.  That is something that both and inspires and motivates me to keep trudging forward even when things appear bleak or scary.

How about you?

What changes have you resisted?  And what occurred when you allowed yourself to surrender and “go with the flow?” How do your reality change afterward?

Feel free to share your insights.

Peace & Healing, fellow travelers!

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photo credit: OakleyOriginals

“This one question – ‘What do I know for certain?’ – is tremendously powerful. When you look deeply into this question, it actually destroys your world. It destroys your whole sense of self, and it’s meant to. You come to see that everything you think you know about yourself, everything you think you know about the world, is based on assumptions, beliefs and opinions – things you believe because you were taught or told that they were true. Until we start to see these false perceptions for what they really are, consciousness will be imprisoned within the dream state.” Adyashanti, The End of Your World

It was on one of those self-reflective days on my daily walking meditation that it suddenly occurred to me that I have no definitions for success and authenticity and spirituality that were self-defined.

And it was causing me alot of pain and suffering.

I realised, as I revisited my past selves in my mind, that I often allowed the definitions and judgements of others define me, my level of success, and level of authenticity; whether it be family, friends, or other peers.  In fact, it never occurred to me to question what success, authenticity and spirituality meant to me.  I was too busy looking at the externals in every situation.  And coming up short in my estimation.

Also, I don’t know anything for certain about me, or my point of view.  I never took the time to self-reflect to the level that I do now.  I preferred to make others responsible for me self-esteem, my past and current choices, and current place in life.  It was quite frightening, honestly.

All of this happened because I wasn’t particularly curious about me.  Perhaps I was afraid of what I might discover.  Or, more truthfully, I thought I knew what sort of person I was.  And I saw no reason for further exploration.  I believed I was being self-accepting.

Then something within me changed.  I attended hypnotherapy school, and became quite fascinated with how I saw the world.  I wondered how I formed my perceptions and beliefs in the first place.  And my journey did not lead me back to my family, friends, or peers.  It lead me straight back to me; the originator and instigator in my life story.

Sideways:

The first inkling I had (this was before hypnotherapy school)  that I was the one in control of my mind, emotions, and life was while I was dining at my favourite thai/vegan restaurant on my lunch hour.  I had always defined myself as an independent loner type who had few friends because I wouldn’t let others close to me.

However, was this the truth?  Or a story I told myself?

Answer: it was a story.

I believed that I was powerless to change the story because this was just who I was.

That is, until the small still voice within me weighed in on the internal dialogue.  It was you who created the story, and the labels you come to know yourself by, it whispered, and you are the only one who can change them.  No one else.

This knocked me sideways.  I was responsible for causing myself pain.  Not my mum, my family, my past lovers and friends.  You mean it was me all along?  And it wasn’t written in stone, as I had believed, I could change it at any time?

I wish I could say the journey was always pleasant, filled with joy.  But it isn’t.  I wish I could say that the journey is over and I have landed in Enlightenment-ville; a place where enlightened souls live.  But I didn’t.  In fact, as of this writing, I am still learning about myself.  Every day, I question assumptions I have made about me and my place in the world.

Full tilt:

It wasn’t until I attended hypnotherapy school (hypnosis is a wonderful tool that allows people to understand well what their beliefs are, how they are formed, and if they serve them in any way) that I got very curious about me.  Instead of assuming that I knew all I needed to know about me, I began to question my assumptions.

I believe it’s not always possible to know for certain about anyone, including myself.  But what I do know about me is that I enjoy the process of discovering all about me.

Discovering about yourself is rather like building a house.  You have to first start with the foundations.  Core beliefs are those foundations formed in the early childhood.  An unexamined belief is like a flu virus; it can be dangerous to you if left unchecked.  Getting curious about yourself is like a antidote.

Here’s a question or two or three to get you started on your very own Get-Curious-About-You Journey:

• Who were you before the world decided who you were? Everyone of us had hopes and dreams that we may have innocently shared with our families with all of the awe and wonder of a child.  Only to have those desires wrested from our grasp by people who believed they knew how the world worked.  Here is your chance to reclaim those lost hopes and dreams.
• What dreams and hopes did you have as a child? And what made you give them up?  Did you grow and change in unexpected ways?  Or did you decide that you were being unrealistic?
• What was the characteristics that those around you most noticed? Were you shy, quiet, the showstopping extrovert?  I believe these labels are keys to sorting out who you really are and, even better,  who you want to be.

This journey begins with you.  You are the creator, the architect, the engineer of your beliefs, point of view, and dreams.  Isn’t it time that you become acquainted with you so you can make wiser choices that are in integrity with who you desire to become?

When you get curious about you, you throw off the shackles of externally defined limitations.  You can then become more open to the opportunities that are presenting themselves to you now instead of making choices based on your history.

Knowledge may not always be power, but it can be a helpful tool in getting unstuck and navigating change.

Enough from me.  It’s your turn.  Share your thoughts.

Peace & Healing, Fellow Travelers

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