The Power of the Word No
Posted by Sean Stargazer | Posted in Lifestyle Design | Posted on 19-02-2010
Tags: authenticity, choices
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photo credit: James Jordan
Go With the Flow
You probably have forgotten how wonderful the word no is. In fact, you haven’t said it with such wild abandon since you were two years old. It’s at that stage of human development, known as the “terrible twos” when the use of the word no is more socially acceptable. Your loved ones probably thought it was cute though exasperating. Cute because they perceived you as going through a phase in your socialisation; exasperating because it’s their job to socialise you so that you could become a productive member of society. It’s hard to socialise people who run from you screaming, ‘No!’ at the top of their voices.
In fact, one of the parts of socilisation is to learn to say , ‘Yes.’ to all social/cultural demands whether we want to or not. And the more conformist the culture, the more likely it is that the word no will be considered taboo. In fact, in Japanese culture iie means no, but most Japanese might gently remind you not to use it; as it might be viewed the way colourful swear words are viewed in Western culture.
Each society has it’s own rules on when it’s members are allowed to say, no. Typically, men are allowed to say it more than women are. Even in families there are strict rules on when the word no can be said. For example, in my close-knit Brittish/Irish family saying no to spending time with the family is frowned upon. I’m certain that if you looked into your families rules, restrictions, and ideaologies, you might discover times when it’s appropriate to say no.
From an internal point of view, your mini-you might find it more acceptable to be shot from a rocket into the sun than face possible ostracisation from those around you. In fact, in it’s mind, it’s better to go with the flow than upset than rock the boat.
Have you ever caught yourself saying any of these phrases to yourself:
You have to go home for the holidays. You can’t say no. Everyone will be upset.
You can’t say no to going out on Friday with your best friend, Rhonda. She’ll be hurt if you don’t.
You can’t say no to a chance to make free money looting the retirement funds of little old ladies. You may never get the opportunity to make big money every again!
What’s wrong with you? Why are backing out of this corporate takeover deal, MLM, etc. Everyone else is doing it. If you don’t do it, you’ll look like a loser!
Granted, some of the examples listed above are a bit exaggerated; however, I think you get my point. It’s your mini-you’s job to help you fit in. And saying no might make you the lone tall dandelion about to get it’s head lopped off.
Inner Resistance
It’s natural to feel some inner resistance when you are forcing yourself to say yes when you mean no. As a matter of fact, if you override this most natural of responses, you will no longer be as connected to your feelings and desires as you need to be in order to navigate this world.
Inner resistance is the body’s natural energy detector that lets you know immediately when you are about violate one of your sacred values. It’s also your body’s way of saying no emphatically. And it has a plethora of non-verbal ways of letting you know it’s opinions. You might have experienced a few of them.
- Energy drains~ have you ever had the experience of feeling tired and drained on your way to a job, social function, or some other dreaded event? Example, you discover yourself getting very sleepy on your morning commute to your job.
- Sick ~ ever came down with unexplainable aches, pains, and flu-like/cold-like symptoms even though most of the time you have the constitution of a full-grown elephant? An example, from my life. I usually experience flu-like symptoms on calls home to my family. I had to stop phoning them up in order to not be sick.
- Rampant forgetfulness ~ It isn’t that you have a horrible memory. You can remember all of the characters and dialogue from every Star Trek movie and series ever created (including The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Entreprise). And you haven’t watched any of these in years! What is happening is your body’s natural energy detector (NED, for short) doesn’t like being forced to do things it dislikes and will limit your access to your memory until you reconsider your direction. Remember that job you had once, the one you hated, where you couldn’t (for the life and death of you) remember your boss’ name, or any of the names of the people you worked with? (Just an example). In addition to that, you would leave much-needed company files at home on the day of a really important meeting?
- Mistake Attacks! ~ the World’s Dumbest Criminals TV franchise has the market cornered on criminals doing incredibly stupid things to get themselve caught. Like locking their car keys inside the car, nicking a liquor store, and then having to flee on foot cuz they can’t get inside the getaway car.
- Social Pratfalls ~ We all know it’s not the end of the world to make fools of ourselves. But how many of us have done something so embarassing that we hope to fake our own death to avoid the shame? (Kidding!) Is it really an accident when the person you least like and want to see is in your presence, you start babbling on about the enormous mole growing out of the side of their face like Mount Everest? And, more importantly, your attempts to apologise make you look and sound like a complete looby (fool). I think not, my friends!
- Broody & Moody ~ Your mood is another way your NED lets you know that no is the only answer you could utter. For example, you go apoplectic with rage in light traffic, burst out laughing when a friend tells you of a painful breakup, or crying while watching SuperBad. If you discover yourself experiencing odd and unexplainable moods, you NED might be trying to tell you something.
Why Using the Word No is Necessary
So what does this have to with the power of the word no?
The list contains some signs that will help you identify when no is the appropriate response.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries. Saying no helps you do that. If something drains you, makes you sick, or just plain repulses you; just say no. Yes, people might get angry or upset. But this small discomfort is a small price to pay for inner peace. The other alternative is to say yes when you mean no, and then explode at your friends and family over something trivial because you’ve been seething with resentment over the fact that you feel taken advantage of or underappreciated.
Why do this to yourself and everyone else around you? Give yourself the gift of self-love and say no! Everyone else will get over their upset eventually. And so will you.
Now you. Where in your life do you have a difficult time saying no? And to whom? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.
Vibelicous comments: Be excellent to each other!
Rude and/or mean comments will be deleted.
